Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


My attempts to get a picture of Natalie smiling resulted in this:

She is still screaming at this very minute as if the camera flash tried to take her soul. I did manage to get these. They are less bad. I will continue to try for the ever illusive smile.


Monday, November 19, 2007

By popular demand...

Okay, only two of you asked. But still. Pictures anyway.

This one was long before the 4 inches of snow we have on the ground. I think it was the first day of school.

Admittedly, this one is old. I have more recent ones, but Jim's got the camera and I have a ton on there I need to download. She's quite a bit bigger now. In fact, she's still wearing a preemie size outfit in this one. We're way bigger than that now...0-3 months. Oh, and she has a bit more hair.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

We haven't gotten to talk in a while. Tell me about your day.

The days continue to fly by. I really don't know where they go. We get up, we rush to school, to swim, to dance, to the grocery store, to riding lessons, to the doctor, to the vet, blah, blah, blah. It seems we rush everywhere. I swear I did 40,000 loads of laundry last week alone.

We're good. We are. I go through each day and find things here and there that I want to post about, but now as I sit here, I can think of exactly zero to write about.

Maybe I should just try again later. I'll catch up with you all instead of writing such drivel.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Where does the time go?

Seriously. November? How did that happen? I feel like I've barely had time to breathe since September. It seems like Christmas is almost here already. Damn.

This post may be a little disjointed since I have so many unrelated things to, um, relate. Apologizing in advance for that.


Nat is a peach. She's pretty easy so long as she's fed and warm. She does not like to go hungry and would prefer to be on the boob as much as possible. She hates being cold, so baths and diaper changing are a blast. It's finally showing signs of winter here too, so she better get used to the occasional chill.

My attempts to make sure she did not sleep in our bed the way her sister did, have failed. I do not do well tired. I need sleep and my need for it has made me forget how hard it was (and how long it took) to get Gracie out of our bed. She's a more scheduled sleeper and eater than Gracie was, so I'm hoping that once she's off of the 2-3 hour feeding requirements, I can ease her into the bassinet and then to her crib. Here's hoping.

After her birth at 6'12", she she lost and went down to 5'14". When my milk finally came in, she gained back to 7'2" at 4 weeks. She does like to eat this girl of mine. I would guess now at 6 weeks (!) she's somewhere in the 8' range. She's still only wearing the newborn sizes, but she's pretty long, 22 inches at the 4 week appointment, so I think we'll be in the 3 mos. stuff just for the length before too long. I guess we'll have another beanpole like daddy and sister.

I'd post the birth story, but honestly, when you have a c-section, it's really pretty uneventful. The only weird part was that I was taken into the OR and given the spinal, but the OB was nowhere to be found. She was on the floor somewhere and didn't answer her pages. She finally came in after I'd been there and numb for something like 30 minutes.

Oh, I had one issue...the nurses thought they'd try to put the catheter in BEFORE the spinal. WTF? Who would be okay with that? I told them they were nuts and they could wait until the spinal was in. They did. Okay, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure yet...NEVER, EVER let them do the catheter before you are numb. Never. Not ever. Very bad.

For those of you hoping that the DBT's will stop when said baby is born, think again. Mine have taken on a whole new dimension. More on that later.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel after she was born. I didn't have any preconceived notions about how her birth might change my experience with having lost Audrey. I still don't quite know how to explain it all. I still feel the loss. I very much feel the hole between Gracie and Natalie that is where Audrey should be. I don't know what to say about it yet.
I know Gracie feels it. She's said things like "Does Natalie get to stay with us a while before she goes to Heaven?" And, "Mommy, you have to do everything you can to keep Natalie alive." I hate that even her experience with her new sister has been warped by the loss of another. She doesn't understand that babies do get to come home and that babies do live. Her experience is so different that she just doesn't understand that this is how it should have been. Her reality is not like that of others.
Jim mentions Audrey more than he used to. I think maybe he's feeling that hole too. We scheduled to have family pictures taken and I plan to have some done of the girls. I will bring Audrey's bear as my small attempt to make sure she's included in the family photos...even if we are the only ones who know its significance.
Mom leaves on Friday. She and I are both amazed at how fast it's come on us. I don't know what I'll do without her. She's kept this place running in so many ways. I don't know how I'll keep all the balls in the air when she's gone.
Wish me luck.