Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

My Angel Princess

Catherine, I can't thank you enough for posting the Angel Pics website. I have a whole new love for these pictures that I never had before. Thank you from the bottom of my broken-but-still-beating heart. Honest.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Blog Challenge June 27

Think about a time in your life where you experienced real fear. Not just scared for a moment and then you were ok. I'm talking about fear that was significant and lasted beyond a few seconds. Share your experience and how you reacted in your blog or on this post. Elaborate as much or as little as you wish.

On September 16, 2004, I was dropped off at the door of St. Rose hospital, 33 1/2 weeks pregnant and had to walk up to Labor and delivery alone. My mom needed to stay with Gracie because I didn't want her to come up and witness something going horribly wrong. Maybe my insistence that mom stay with Gracie and not come with me should have been a sign that I knew deep down something was wrong.

The period from when they started looking for her heartbeat with the ultra-sound machine in triage until the point that I was moved to the Fetal Monitoring room where the big machine confirmed my fears was the most horrifically scary point in my life.

It was the time when I was realizing my baby was dead and I was going to have to deal with the fall out. At that point in my life, losing a child was truly my worst fear. And I was about to live it.

Monday, June 26, 2006

In Which I am Grateful...dammit.

The clomid is all over my face. I have the worst acne. I thought it might have been from the stifling humidity at my mom's last week, but alas, no. It's the damn clomid. It's awful. As if I don't feel bad enough about myself, now I have zits. Lovely.

I've been trying so hard to not make and live in my own hell. I read recently, that we can create our 'heaven' by focusing on the good things in our lives, or we can live in our personal 'hell(s)' by not being able to see the good stuff. I guess it kind of made a little sense; it got me thinking about how focused on the bad stuff I have been and how seldom I stop to smell the roses I have.
It's so hard not to get down. I see everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies and it just makes it so much harder to not feel so ripped off by all that's happened in two years. I'm now watching women who were pregnant when I was pregnant with Audrey going on to have second or even third babies.
And here I sit. Trying to be patient. Trying not to stress out. And not doing very well at any of it. I just continue to feel so broken. Every passing month brings a little hope and then, none. Nothing. I decided not to temp this month because at the end of last cycle I wasn't even sleeping past 1:30 am because I was so anxious about whether my temp would drop.
August 1 was supposed to be my due date after the IVF. I should be getting ready for a baby now. I should be looking forward to what was to come.
But I'm not. And it hurts so fucking bad. So many should have beens and it's so hard to look forward when it seems there is so little to look forward to right now. I'm so tired.
But I'm grateful. Really.

Friday, June 23, 2006

In Which I tell Pampers to go to Hell

As I innocently checked my e-mail this morning, I was find an e-mail from my 'friends' at Pampers. Two reasons. One, I was used to seeing them right after Audrey was born, but I haven't seen one in quite some time. Imagine my surprise to see one today. Reason two, the title was "Your Child is 20 Months Old!"

Inside, it detailed all of the special little things my baby is doing or about to do right now.


To: My 'friends' at Pampers

Please do fuck off and die.

Not only am I accutely aware of how old my baby SHOULD BE, but I am also aware of all the things she is NOT able to do.

IF I ever get pregant and actually have a live baby, I will be using Huggies.


Your 'friend' Michelle

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

So GD tired of this shit.

CD 1.


Monday, June 19, 2006

I think it's over

Temp dropped this morning, so I think this cycle is over. I'm trying to take solace in the fact that a second cycle of clomid has yeilded a 14 day lueteal phase. That is good compared to the 10 days I had before and the 13 days I had the first clomid cycle.

Yeah, I'm grateful, that's it...


Sunday, June 18, 2006

Ummm, yeah...

So, no, I haven't tested. No period yet, on 12dpo, nada. Good thing in and of itself for me. I'm at my mom's and did bring tests so I could test this morning. But, I brought the neato digital ones, which I had never before used. And, I tried to use it for the first time in a strange bathroom while it was still dark...

So yeah, I peed all over the digital part and shorted the whole thing out. Yeah, ha ha, funny, funny.

I intend on buying another if I can figure out a way to get one without my mother knowing. Good luck with that one. I may have to fess up after my dad goes to work tomorrow and we go into town. Uh huh, into town. We are 13 miles from the nearest anything and another 10 from anything that might contain a pregnancy test.

Good job, eh?

I'll try and get one tomorrow which means I will have no news until Tuesday...unless my period starts before then.

Nothing is easy.

Friday, June 16, 2006


With a few minor repairs being made and a final, final on Tuesday, the building passed. The hard part, the yucky part, the part that made my stomach hurt, is over.

Thank you for the help.

Now, if we could get past this little issue of a positive pregnancy test...Could you all work on that for me? ;)

Feeling Sick


10 DPO with a chart that is promising only because it's so damn different than any chart I've had. Temp tool a total dump at 7 DPO and over the last two days has shot way the hell back up. It's too early for an accuarte test, I know that, so all I can do it sit here and make myself want to puke from the anxiety.

I have a big project being inspected today and because of some inconsistencies in the drawings, the inspector could totally kick it to the curb. Just getting the job to the point of inspection was a near miracle, so now I'm waiting to hear if we passed and that has got my anxiety through the roof.

We leave for my mom's tomorrow. I still have to pack. I have to take my work stuff so I can work on some stuff there. Not a real vacation. I'm stressing but excited about that.

I need some good stuff here. I need some good vibes and some good luck.

Please, please, please...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Blog Challenge

In honor of Father's Day that's coming up this Sunday, tell about a favorite memory (either in childhood or recent years) you have with your own father. Also, tell us about your husband...What are some of the big things, as well as the little things that make him a great father.

Gosh, I remember so many things about growing up with my father. I remember that he was so much like a kid at times that I'm sure my mom must have felt like she had three children. I guess most wives feel that way. Here's a list because thinking of one story seems particularly difficult and like it just won't do him justice anyway...

Every Saturday morning, as far back as I remember, my dad would wake up on Saturday morning and would absolutely BLARE Toto's Roseanna. It was a little annoying when I was a teenager (what with trying to sleep until noon and all), but it brings back fond memories now. I can't hear a Toto song without thinking about my dad. I'll have to ask him what was so big about that song. I guess he just liked it.

My dad is the biggest sucker ever. If there was a stray animal, he was dragging it home. My grandmother used to say he had done that since he was a very little boy. I remember I was in high school and he & I ran up to the corner market to pick up something mom had forgotten but need for dinner. Outside the door was a little girl holding a small grey bunny. She was trying to find him a home. I'll never forget that look in my dad's eyes as he held this bunny and crouched down and looked up at me as if I were the parent saying "Can we take him? He's so cute! We can build him a pen under the citrus trees and we can call him Stormy." And so we did. My mom, was not pleased, but she knew that's how he was. I think she loves that about him too.

My dad would never yell. He never yelled and scared us with his manly voice. What he did was worse. He would crouch down, and through gritted teeth and in a very soft tone say "I'm so disappointed..." It was like the world was going to fall apart for me. It was more awful that anything else he could have done. I remember once even asking him to just spank me. But he never did, just would say how disappointed he was....

I remember being in high school and there being a jacket I just had to have. Well, that time it was a jacket...There were other times too. Anyway, I digress... I could crawl up in his lap and ask him so sweetly for something an he would almost always find a way. I didn't ask often, but looking back, it wasn't just about what I wanted from the mall. It always meant that he would take me to the mall. Just he and I. It meant that we would have lunch and shop and it could be all about me. There weren't a lot of times that I got my dad all to myself. I cherished them. I still cherish them.

My dad is the silliest drunk ever. We were forever going camping at our favorite lake with this huge group of friends and our boats and jet skis. All summer long there was one trip after another, whether it was a weekend or a week. They were all so fun. Such good memories. For my dad and his friends, it was a chance to let loose. In the evenings after the boats were in for the night, the drinks would come out and we'd just laugh and joke and have such a good time. My dad is the biggest, sappiest, silliest drunk ever. He did so many goofy things that we all still tease him about. Once, one of the girls was mixing up food for her golden retriever. My dad, grabbed a chip and dug in thinking she had made dip. He didn't even realize what he had done until she started laughing. Some of those friends still call him Scooby.

My husband is a wonderful father. We fought a bit when Gracie was tiny, I think because he felt so inadequate. Like he didn't really know how to act or what to do. Gracie was breastfed and never took a bottle, so I think he really felt left out of that part of her life. Now is a whole different story. I would venture to say that now, they are much better buddies and she and I are. They have so much fun together. He's so patient and helpful with her. He does baby her a little and that drives me nuts, but I think he just knows that she won't be little forever and if she wants him to go with her to her room because it's dark, then that's just okay. He has the patience of Job, which I certainly lack. She's very lucky he's her father and I am very luck to have him as well.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Seriously Pathetic

Took Gracie to see Cars tonight.

I cried. Seriously. When the little car town was so sad to see Lightning go back to his life as a racer... And then, the very end when all of his new friends show up at the track as his pit crew...



Wednesday, June 07, 2006

How would this sound?

Baby making sex is just really not what it's cut out to be. I think even my usually horny husband would agree with that at this point. Ten days in a row with all the pressure to not miss a day and then the 'peak' reading on the fertility monitor at the end with the pressure to make those days really count. It's really exhausting. We even resorted to porn to keep us going. How terrible of us.

Wouldn't it be funny if after all we've been through with IVF($20,000 later), etc. that it could have all been accomplished with some $50 clomid? Could the pregnancy announcement look something like this...?

100mg of Clomid for 5 days...$50
Appropriate Night Attire for Wife...$30
Wasted cash on IVF...$20,000
Digital Porn to get us in the mood...$13

What do you think?

And so the two week wait

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My Ovaries Hurt

Freaking clomid.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

I absolutely cannot let this one go without comment


Seriously. I'm going to throw up. Right. Now.