Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

And the Bad Mommy Award goes to...


Remember the fever that I was thinking about last night? Well, the only thing that has kept Gracie human today is alternating doses of Motrin and Tylenol.

I just gave her two in a row of Motrin instead of alternating with Tylenol. Ugh. Bad mommy. Nothing like medicating your kid incorrectly I always say.


Things that keep me awake at night

Claritin D
Everything I have to do at work after a long weekend.
Worrying why Gracie has had a strange fever and no other symptoms for two days.
Wondering what the gas bill will look like after we heated the pool to 90 degrees all weekend.
Wondering what our long weekend would have been if Audrey had been with us.
Worrying that I won't get enough sleep to get an accurate temperature reading for my chart on Fertility Friend. Ultimately deciding that at this point in my cycle it was too early to care.
Wondering whether we'll actually get pregnant this cycle and scheming about using my left over progesterone and debating whether I should call Dr. Moore and ask her opinion before I just take them. Ultimately deciding to take them without telling her and asking for forgivemess if I have to fess up.
Freaking out that Jim's last official day of work was last Thursday and wondering of he'll find a job sooner rather than later. Thinking about the interview he has Friday that may well require a move to New Jersey and wondering how that would work. How will my boss take it and how much easier it would be to say that we had to move vs. I just don't want to work here (or anywhere) anymore.
Wondering why my back and shoulders hurt like hell and remembering that stress will do that. Stress? What stress?
Thinking about bills I have to pay on payday Thursday. Ugh, no money already and payday is still 2 days away. Shit.
Wishing my trip to mom's on the 17th was closer. What will I pack? What will we do?
Counting how many hours I have left to sleep if I were to fall asleep now. And now. And now.
Fucking hell I'm tired.

Thursday, May 25, 2006


It's hot. I'm cranky. I want to go home and float in the pool with my girl.

See, what I really wanted to say was girlS, but that just pissed me off. Even if I could get out of here and go home to float, there would still be one of my girls missing.

Feeling sorry for myself today. Just low energy I guess.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006


Clomid cycle #1 didn't work. I'm pretty okay with it. I'm even surprising myself by writing that. I start the 100mg round tomorrow. Onward and upward I guess.

Jim's last day of work is Friday. He has two big meetings today that may ease some of the pressure. We'll see how they go.

We go to my mom's for a week on the 17th. I'm ready to go now. Like today.

That's all for the moment.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I hate my job, I love my job, I hate my job....

Have a new client that is wanting to put a building on the West Rim of the Grand Canyon. VERY remote location. They happen to be an airline (small sight-seeing only outfit) and flew me and a few of their guys out to the site today. Small plane (20 seater turbo-prop jobbie), it was 104 here today, 45 minute flight, NO AIR, and did I mention I get air sick? No? Well, let me just share...

Flight was supposed to leave at 8:30 (really left at 9:30), so I was a good girl and took the Dramamine at 7:30. No trouble on the flight out. Perfect. A few bumps, a little hot, but it was early, no too bad. Yet.

Got there (what a rat hole), did my girl-in-construction-bossy-thing. Finished at like 11:00...Flight home was at 1:10. No lunch. Had some stupid-lame-ass snack bar, so I had a bottle of water, a Baby Ruth and a bag of Lays. Not so smart. Thought I was back in high school or something. Anyway, I digress...

So flight home is late, we leave at like 1:45. IT'S FREAKING HELLISHLY HOT. Did I mention that the plane had no air (seriously, Jusin? Laura? WTF? It's the GD desert. What were they thinking? People pay for this shit?)? Yeah, it didn't. So we get up and it's much more bumpy going home. Like holy shit bumpy. So I try to keep it together and finally just pray to God that if I'm going to puke in front of my clients and (subordinate co-worker) can I please just keep it all in the little bag and not make a mess and embarrass myself (okay, embarrass myself worse than just puking infront of them all by getting it all over myself and God knows where else).

So, because God seems to have listened this time, I did manage to keep it all in the bag (WOW! Those things hold more than I thought!!). The cabin was super loud, so I think only the people directly in front of and behind me heard. Luckily I won't be seeing those nice folks from Australia again, unfortunately I will be seeing everyone else who heard again, and often.

So, the moral of the story is...

When the Dramamine SAYS it is for 12 hours, it's a FUCKING LIE. It lasts less than 6.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Because I can

I just want it noted for the record that I have not made mention of Britney's current appearances in the media.

And this does not count.

Aren't you proud of me anonymous? Is my womb a more hospitable place yet? Oh wait, you can't comment because you don't get an opinion. HA!

So, I'm just saying... I could be making jokes and shitty commentary, but I'm not.

But I might.

Monday, May 15, 2006


Gracie puked for 12 hours on Friday. Thought she was better last night so we sent her to school. Got a call at 9:30 from her teacher that she was still sick. She had already pooed in her pants at school, so we were totally on borrowed time getting home.

There's a spot where there are notoriously cops hanging out to get speeders. I know npot to speed there, but G was in the back seat saying she had to go and that her tummy hurt. I was trying to get to a bathroom at the drug store...

As I pulled in the parking lot, there's a cop behind me...with his freaking lights on. He comes to the window and asks for my paperwork. So I give it to him and just say my daughter is sick I was just trying to get her to a potty. He says "Yeah, license & registration." So he walks back and G is getting upset. So I ask him if I can take her inside. We walk by with her limp & pale on my shoulder saying "Mommy, my tummy hurts."

I come back out and she's still crying and he says, "Here's your ticket."

Where's the damn compassion people??

Thursday, May 11, 2006

For Alex

Happy birthday sweet boy.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Party at My Place

A few weeks ago Gracie insisted on getting a bird house when we were shopping one day. We hung it in my favorite tree...A beautiful Chilean Mesquite off of our patio. A few days later, when no birds had taken up residence, she announced that no birds could live there because there was no food. So we hung a bird feeder. At first we had only a few birdie visitors. The first week we only filled it once. Now, 3 weeks later, I fill it in the morning and in the evening. I could fill it more, but I decided twice a day was plenty.

Now, every morning and evening we have dozens of feathery friends that come to visit. There are several pairs of House Finches with their brightly colored chests. We have one Oriole who likes to come nibble the oranges I put out for him (I've never seen him with any girlie friends, so I wonder if he's the only one around?). We have several Veiled Chickadees, the obligatory Morning Doves, the occasional wren and my absolute favorite...The Titmouse (I need to thank the guy who named that one. It makes me chuckle like a 5th grader who just found a dirty word in the dictionary). Even the local Quail seem to have made themselves at home. I counted 5 pair the other day. They are all wonderful except the Mocking Bird who sat in a tree all night Saturday and went through his cycle of copy-cat chirps and drove me batty. Since when do birds sing at night?

I sat all weekend watching the birds squabble and eat the treats we put out for them. I would get up at 5:30ish and get my coffee and sit on the patio just enjoying their songs and playfulness. It was so peaceful. Some time sitting and thinking about nothing but the birds. Just enjoying their company.

I can't help but be grateful for them. Grateful for their presence in our yard. But, maybe I'm just grateful for the diversion.

Monday, May 08, 2006


Please send Catherine some love. She been so amazingly supportive to so many of us. Catherine, I'm just so sorry.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Call me a liar

I know I need to post something, but I just find that I don't have anything interesting to say.

I took the clomid. Nothing exciting. Just waiting for ovulation now. So Lorem, go for it...I'm only at 50mg, but I've had no ill-effects. Zero.

Aren't you glad you checked in? Sorry...I'll try to do better next week.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Sorry for the gap between posts. I owe you all an update..

I don't have one at the moment. I've been visiting my brother at the beach (San Luis Obispo) for the last 5 days. Sooo nice to escape.

Anyway, playing catch up today, but promise to do better tomorrow.