Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Orb-ital Dreams

Now friends, take a look at that picture. I missed something until I got the printed copies back today. See the bluish orb just to the left and above Gracie's head?

I know not everyone believes in that stuff, but is it okay if I believe that is her sister?

Okay, I'm not a freak. There is actually evidence that orbs that show up in pictures are the energy of spirits.


The following excerpt is from a book called The Encyclopedia of Ghosts & Spirits:

ORBS Energy anomalies recorded at some haunted sites. Orbs are not visible to the naked eye but can be seen through infrared monitors and can be recorded on photographic film. When they show up, they appear to be luminosities that are round or diffuse, and even rectangular in shape. Detection and study of orbs has developed with the advent of high technology GHOST INVESTIGATION. Orbs appear to be a form of energy of unknown origin. They are not stray light sources, insects or dust particles. They are not sufficiently strong enough to set off any type of detection meters, nor do they have sufficient mass to set off infrared motion detectors. They seem to defy gravity and change directions, sometimes quickly. They twinkle. They react to the presence of people: they increase in number when people are present in a haunted location. They appear both indoors and outdoors. They cannot be explained by static discharge such as that which is created by walking on carpet, for they are recorded in houses and buildings that have no carpet. Orbs are not the same as GHOST LIGHTS, which are similar in shape and behavior, but which are much brighter and are visible to the naked eye. According to DALE KACZMARKEK, president of GHOST RESEARCH SOCIETY (GRS), orbs may be some of the best evidence for hauntings. The GRS has pioneered investigation of orbs with night-vision equipment and has documented cases with unexplained orb activity.


So maybe I am nuts. But...what if?

Worry Free!

For all of us who fear being fired for checking our bloggy friends...I present....Vindication!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Bad News - Good News

Bad news?

Started my period yesterday...IN Babies R Us. How's that for a big "FU" from the universe?

Good news?

I got to drink (several of) my favorite martini(s) at dinner last night.

Oh, and I'm drinking leaded coffee this morning.


As a side note, the last two cycles included a 10 day luteal phase. That seem short? What can they do for that? Progesterone? My temp still isn't below my coverline. I'm confused.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I (heart) My OB/GYN

I finally got in for an appointment with the OB who delivered Audrey. I haven't seen her since January 2005 for my last follow-up after Audrey was delivered. She knows my RE and had spoken with him about some of my history with him. I also spoke with her once while we were doing the FET, so she knew most of what has happened in the last year. I've tried to get in several times to see her, but a couple of times she cancelled because she had babies to deliver and then I cancelled once myself. Gosh it was great to see her. I really do love her.

As we spoke about what was up, I cried, she cried. I know she feels our pain with us. I know it hurt her deeply that things went so horribly wrong with Audrey. She showed us her pain at the hospital. She has cried with us and loved Audrey with us on several occasions. I have so much respect for her because she is a doctor who has chosen to feel the pain and emotion her patients feel. So many doctors choose to harden themselves to spare their hearts from the hurt that sometimes comes when you are in the medical field. The OB who delivered Gracie was one of those. He was an excellent doctor (I've even seen him on Discovery Health a time or two).

She spent over an hour with me. I know she was behind for the day and I know there was a woman on her way to the hospital ready to deliver and she still took the time to be with me and help me wade through some of my own emotion. It was wonderful. I left feeling exhausted and emotionally spent, but it was a good thing. Her genuine care and concern and desire for us to have a baby, alive and well, at home with us, was so very clear.

She did my annual and then we discussed the "less invasive" means of fertility treatment that she was able to help us with. I knew it would be clomid and she didn't surprise me by offering it. She expressed her concern with my history of ectopic pregnancy (normally you have a 7% chance of having a tubal pregnancy, that rate jumps to 15% after you actually have one).

I left with a two month prescription for clomid. 50 mg on days 5-9 for the first month and 100 mg for days 5-9 in the second month. She gave me lab slips for pregnancy tests at the lab should I get the feeling that I'm pregnant or should I get a positive HPT. She said she needs to monitor my progress from the get go to make sure we can catch another ectopic before surgery is required.

She also mentioned her concern about my "demeanor" while I was with her. She said not to be ashamed if I feel like I need to come back and discuss any depression or anxiety I may be feeling. I can't tell you all what a relief that was to hear. I don't think I need medication for depression, but it's so nice to hear that she understands where I am.

For the first time in months, I feel a little bit of a load is off. I feel like things will be okay because I have someone on my side who actually gives a shit and feels invested in the outcome. As I left, she said she was going to label my visits in the future as whatever it took to get my insurance to pay for it. She said she felt like she owed us her best effort to make this happen. As I left, she and her nurse (Nurse's name is Gracie...Good omen?) have me a hug and wished me twins.

I feel so much lighter today...

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Congrats X 2

Happy to say that Sara and Anam have brought home their beautiful babes after a long and stressful road for both...

Thinking of you guys.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Another Holiday...

I even went to Church. Please alert the media.

Edited to add: The outfits matched totally by accident. The evil MIL sent Gracie's dress months ago. Mine I found last week in an attempt to find something that would fit. I did okay...except that said dress showed much more cleavage than I was comfortable with for church. I finally decided it was Vegas. They sort of expect that from us, right?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


When I was a kid my grandpa (mother's stepdad) had a cockatiel. He was an obnoxious little bastard, but he could do some cool stuff. He called the cats (there's just something about a bird sitting in his cage saying "here kitty, kitty" that I think is freaking hilarious), he could do all the obligatory whistles and he could say his name...George.

I don't know how old George was at that time, I think he must have been about 5 or 10ish. My grandpa got him from someone else, so God only knows. At any rate, he ended up moving in with my Grandma (dad's mom) at some point and then later, she moved in with us.

From about 1986 until 1990 I would have to help Grandma take care of George, especially on the odd occasion when she went to my Aunt's house or when she was in the hospital. I didn't mind too much. He wasn't hard to care for. He loved to sit outside in his cage and tease our cats. He had a run in with a hawk one time who tried to swoop down and get him, but the cage got in the way.

One time when I was cleaning his cage, George escaped. I was sad because I knew my grandma would be devastated. She was, but occasionally we would still see (or hear) George for years after that. We'd be sitting outside and all of the sudden he would fly over and he'd do the patented cockatiel screech as he flew by (Lorem, I know you know the one).

My grandma was always really superstitious. She had a man she said would show up when something big was going to happen. She said he didn't talk but she would just see him. He'd pass in the hallway when she was doing laundry, or she'd wake up and he'd be standing by her bed. She called him the man in black. She saw him whenever someone died or when there would be something happen that she needed to be prepared for.

She passed that to my dad and aunt. They both get premonitions and occasionally my mom will see my grandpa (dad's dad) when something is coming. In fact, the week before Audrey died, mom woke up early to find grandpa at the side of her bed trying to say something. She said it was like he was telling her something but he was whispering in such a way that she couldn't hear. The next day their dog died rather suddenly, so she believed at the time that was the reason for grandpa's visit. We all now think that he was there about Audrey.

Occasionally, I have goofy stuff happen too. Dreams of grandpa where he's telling me to look out for things or something along those lines. Occasionally, I'll be sitting in a room and it would fill with the smell of his cologne and I know he was there.

Yesterday was CD 15 and I'm pretty sure I ovulated. I have been very positive about this cycle. As I left my office yesterday, I was walking to my car and what do I hear but a cockatiel. I look up and sure enough it was. A cockatiel flew right over my head, yelling just like George always did. Now, what the hell is a cocktiel doing out in the desert I ask you? I know birds escape, but I can't help but feel like it was grandma trying to tell me that this is all going to be okay.

And you know why I think it would be her coming to me? Because she knows. She lost 15 babies before she had my aunt. 14 miscarriages and one baby who died at about a week old. She had an incompetent cervix in the days when little could be done about it. But she never gave up. My dad was born in 1954 when preemies just died. He was born weighing less than 4 pounds a full 8-10 weeks early.

She knows as well as I do how all of this feels. And suddenly, I can't help but feel like she's here. She's pulling for me. And somehow, that is more comfort than I have felt through out this whole process.

I love you grandma. I wish now that I had not been so afraid to ask you about your experiences. I wish I knew what happened and how you kept on. I hope you find a way to tell me. But, now, thanks to George, I know you're there and I'm listening.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I'm the bitch

I went to lunch with a co-worker yesterday and as we left and got in the car, a man who was eating at a table outside asked me to look in the car beside me and see if there was a kid in it. At first it didn't register, of course there was no kid in it, who does that? So, I look inside, sure enough there's a kid in a car seat maybe not quite two. **Edited to add that the windows were cracked, but I don't know if the car was locked, car was not running**

That's when the smoke started coming out of my ears.

Here's some background. It gets hot in Vegas. Like hell hot. Now, at this moment, it was only about 80 degrees. Not unbearable and certainly fine to be in the car with no air. BUT, every year the news people and the police do major stories and PSA's about never, ever leaving your kid alone in the car. In fact, they urge anyone who sees it to call the police immediately. We not only have issues with the heat, but we have issues with cars getting stolen (one of the highest theft rates in the country) and every year not only do kids die of heat stroke from getting left in cars, but they also end up in cars that are stolen and some of those kids don't make it back home. It's bad, and anyone with a brain knows better.

I know as kids, most of us were left in the car alone at some point, I know I was. But, people didn't use carseats and seatbelts then either. The point is that times are different and we all know better.

Back to my story.

So my co-worker sees that I am pissed as I march right back into the lunch place and yell from the door "Who left their kid in the car?" A woman in line, sheepishly says (certainly embarassed) "I did, but I'm watching her." I yell back, "You know it's not legal and beyond that it's stupid!" So, I'm pissed and I go back to my car and call 911.

I sit in the car talking with the 911 operator, who is clearly also mad, while she dispatches a car. I give her all the info including the plate number. I explain to her that I have a dead daughter and this is just really pissing me off, she agrees and I wait for the cops. The woman finally comes out and leaves as I'm telling the operator where she's going so a patrol car and find her.

At this point I'm on the verge of tears and shaking because I just can't deal with people who don't treat their children like the treasure they are. It just kills me. Oh and my co-worker, who is a 50 year old man with no children, thinks I'm about to lose it. I run a contruction company, there's no crying in contruction.

Within a few minutes a cop calls me back and asks for the story again and says that they are looking for her car and that they will call me if they need more info. I'm glad to see that they take this issue so seriously here. Like really glad.

So, I'm still pissed about the whole thing. The thing is that the woman is not necessarily a bad parent. We all make bad choices, she just made a really bad choice. I don't want her kid taken from her, I just want her to understand the severity of the choice she made. I hope they fine the shit out of her, send her to parenting classes and show her pictures of dead kids who were left in cars or murdered after they were kidnapped. I know that is awful, but the thing is that if she'll do it once, she'll do it again.

Maybe I made a big deal of something that I shouldn't have. Maybe it was overblown. But, the thing is that my kid was taken from me. I know what it's like to lose a child. It makes me physically ill to see people mistreat their kids. Children are such a gift. I wish everyone would treat them that way.

Friday, April 07, 2006

It's a bad day for Tiger Barbs

A few years ago, my parents bought Gracie a fish tank. The tank has gone through some fish, but ultimately, we settled on a pretty good group. We have our chocolate tank cleaner, a couple of spotted catfish, some tiger barbs, a couple of bala sharks and a silver dollar fish. We've had many more, but these guys have hung in there the longest.

Throughout the process of those guys getting comfortable, Jim has tried to integrate a shrimp. In the past, the shrimp were all, well, shrimpy. We had about 4 and they all got eaten by the tiger barbs. We make lots of jokes about shrimp cocktail in this house.

A few weeks ago, to Jim's delight, he found a magic solution. A tiger prawn. Now, this tiger prawn is larger than all but one of our fish and MUCH more aggressive. Aggressive in that he's eaten, several fish. A lot of poor defenseless fish. Our shrimp is lovingly called Jacques the Barbarian.

This morning, I go to turn their light on and in Jacques' grip is his third tiger barb. I drag Jim to the tank so he can see what his shrimp has done...again. At that point, for the first time, Gracie sees what's been happening to her fish. It's the shrimp. In the tank. With his own bare claws. Eating.Her.Tiger barb.

She begins relentlessly following Jim around asking what happened to her tiger barb. Jim tries explaining that animals sometimes eat each other and that they just don't know any different. I hear him say things like "Gracie, it's a cold, cruel world" in exasperation when he just doesn't know how to explain it to her satisfaction. This makes me laugh. A lot.

Gracie then starts going to the tank to examine the carcass, which I've decided, should at least be put to use. We'll let the Barbarian eat in hopes that he fills up and leaves the others alone for a while. So Gracie, decides to give us the play-by-play... "Mommy, his eye is gone. Mommy, his mouth is gone..." You get the idea.

And then, the ultimate.

Gracie starts singing a new song...

"It's a bad day for tiger barbs....But, a good day for shrimps!"

And I guess, that's about the size of it.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Trying to be more positive and constructive

Here goes.

25 things about Gracie


2. MY CHILDS FAVORITE FRUIT IS? Apples and Strawberries

3. MY CHILDS FAVORITE MEAL IS? Peanutbutter and Jelly Sanwich or a nice filet mignon.



6. MY CHILDS FAVORITE PLACE IS? The carousel at the mall

7. MY CHILDS FAVORITE SONG IS? At this moment, America the Beautiful


9. MY CHILDS FAVORITE CHARACTER IS? Character of the moment is Strawberry Shortcake. Am I the only one who can't believe these are back?

10. MY CHILDS FAVORITE MOVIE IS? Right now, it's Chicken Little

11. MY CHILDS FAVORITE PLACE IS? Grammie's house

12. MY CHILDS FAVORITE PET IS? The kitty she's been begging her daddy for


14. MY CHILDS EYE COLOR IS…. Blue like her daddy

15. MY CHILDS HAIR LEGNTH IS….Shoulder Length


17. MY CHILD IS IN WHICH CLASSES? Miss Mary's Class and loves every second

18. MY CHILD CARRIES SOMETHING FOR SECURITY? A stuffed toy of some sort, but it changes regularly. Today it was Bull's Eye from Toy Story 2

19. MY CHILDS FAVORITE OUTFIT IS? Any dress...especially if it's pink





24. MY CHILDS FAVORITE BABYSITTER IS? The grandparents when they are around, or Aunt Jen. We wished they all lived closer

25. MY CHILD LOVES BATHS? LOVES anything to do with water. She thinks she's a mermaid.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


So I saw that on a license plate today and all I could think was...Yeah, I'm waiting...what the fuck am I waiting for?

Now, I may just piss some people off (I'm sorry for that, I really am), but I'm angry again. I want my baby back. I want her back so I don't have to do this anymore. I want to move on with my life, but I can't do it without her. I see her in every blond-haired, cherub-cheeked baby I see and think how bad this sucks. Every. Fucking. Day. It. Sucks.

Baby girl, mommy misses you so very much.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


With myself mostly I guess.

At the mall for lunch, wearing sweats and being lazy I suppose. I got on the elevator with Gracie in the stroller and an older woman asked how old she was and then prmptly looked at my tummy and asked "is someone else on the way?"

I had a salad.

Fucking hell.