Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

A new member to our little crappy club...

I got word that a woman I know (we kept pregnancy journals on the same site for years and have tried keeping up even still), found out yesterday that the baby she's carrying has no chance of survival. The decision she has to make now is the terrible choice to let her baby go now, or just wait for it to happen naturally. I know there are many of you out there who had to make the same choice.

If you're interested and able to talk with her, to help her in anyway, will you please send me a note? My e-mail address is This is one of those times when I know there is comfort in numbers and I know when I first lost Audrey there was nothing more comforting than communicating with someone who knew my pain.

Thanks to you all...


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Odds and the "C" Word

So, based on my MRI results and my doctor's opinion, I have to go see an oncologist before the surgery. The odds are 1 in about 100 that this thing is cancerous. I've lost the odds game before. I mean, I had a 97% chance that my daughter wouldn't die and I lost that one, didn't I?

Fuck. How am I going to feel when I walk into the building with the big sign that says "Women's Cancer Center". It makes me sick right now. Will I puke in the bushes as I walk in?

I may just puke in my own bushes right now.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

My Body is Whacked

So, I started bleeding again. My "period" (can I still call it that at this point?) has come every two weeks for six weeks. What the fuck?

I am the person whose cycles have been embarrassingly normal for 29 years. I turn 30, have a dead kid and things go to hell in a hand basket almost over night.

I am so sick of this shit.

Friday, July 22, 2005

A Funny Story to Lighten the Mood

Things have been pretty serious around here, so here's a little funny to lighten the mood. Well, funny unless you're my dog, in which case you might be pretty unhappy.

So yesterday I came home from an errand to find droplets of blood all over my patio. After lifting the dogs to see who had an issue, I discovered that one of them was bleeding...from his penis. No fun. So, I call the vet and we rush over.

An x-ray, surgery, several kidney stones and $960 later...Coalie came home.

Now, my poor husband was never allowed to have pets as a kid and never had them as an adult. The dogs we have were mine before we met. So I was a little worried about how he would react to the $960 part.

I call him and sheepsihly tell him the damage.

He replies...

"Well Honey, I'd like to think that if my penis was bleeding you'd get mine fixed too."

I'm still dying.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

tonight sucks.

I'm sick of kissing a wooden box instead of my daughter. I'm tired of holding a wooden bax instead of my daughter. I'd rather talk to my daughter than a wooden box.

Tonight sucks.

No News

I got nothing. I just left a message for the doctor's office, but I haven't gotten a call back yet. I've been working a lot. I'm feeling like a crappy mother. I never intended on going back to work and working this much, and I have. It's just sort of crept up on me. And now I'm here.

I miss my girls. I miss the one I see everyday and I miss the one I see in my dreams at night.

Saturday, July 16, 2005


I did the MRI on Thursday. No biggie, just another test really. Dr. Baby Maker called and said that he would schedule the surgery once he read the results. Probably 2 weeks away. I just want it over. I just feel like this whole thing is another chapter in the saga of us trying have our next child. I wish I could have skipped ahead.

I've been thinking a lot about Audrey's birthday. It's really just around the corner (Sept. 16). It seems like everything has that date or a date near there lately. We got our new play group calendar and my next turn is Sept. 15, B's birthday is the 17th and the sour cream I bought today expires on the 16th. See, it's everywhere.

I want to honor her birthday every year. I think this year I am going to have a little party for her. Maybe we'll grill steaks have the chocolate birthday cake she should get to share and then release some balloons. I know the balloons aren't very creative, but somehow they seem fitting. I thought I might write her a note and send it up to heaven with a pretty pink balloon. Oh my God, I miss her so much lately.

Honestly, I have been more emotional lately that I was for awhile. I don't know if it's all the trials of trying to get pregnant, that her birthday is so close or that I have been so stressed out with everything else that I am just not holding it all in as well as I usually do. It seems like the flood gates are opening more and more often.

I had really hoped that I would be pregnant by the time her birthday came. I guess I just thought (mistakenly, maybe) that knowing a new little one was coming, might help soothe the hurt somehow. I've said a hundred times that I don't know how I'll get through that day without being pregnant. Lame, huh? Maybe I'm so touchy because that is looking less and less likely.

On one hand, I feel very fortunate. I am lucky enough to have one beautiful, brilliant living daughter and one beautiful, brilliant angel daughter. I wonder if we had waited to have either of them that we might be having all of these fertility issues and not be comforted by the fact that if all else failed, we would still have them to love.

On the other hand, I feel so angry and ripped off. We wouldn't be doing any of this if Audrey had lived. We would be raising our girls and life would be much different. Now, we mourn her loss every minute of every day and almost as often, we wonder if we'll ever be able to give Gracie a sibling to share her future with.

I saw two little boys holding hands today, brothers. They were maybe 3 or 4 and 2. They were so cute. Just adorable. It made me think about what Gracie will be missing without Audrey here. They would have been so close in age that they would have had so many of life's experiences in common. It makes me sad to think that she'll never know Audrey and what their relationship would have been like.

I don't understand why I feel so raw now. Why now? Why again? Why any of it?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Okay Vix, you got my attention... My letter to Ms. Clayton.

For those of you who read my blog and have not seen this:

I published my comment on her blog as well as in response to the article.

Dear Ms Clayton:

As a mother who has had miscarriages as well as a beautiful daughter who was stillborn at 33 weeks, I find your article horribly offensive. I cannot believe you would belittle a mother's fears of miscarriage or anything else. Those fears are real and they are well-founded.

The doctors I know (and after my experiences, I know more than I care to) who are unable to practice the kind of medicine they'd like to, are hindered by litigation and insurance companies, not by mothers who need a little reassurance along the way.

The rate of stillbirth is higher than that of SIDS and yet you didn't care to mention those statistics. I'd be willing to bet though, that you never put your baby to sleep on his/her back.

How dare you try and tell us that our pregnancies should be worry free? How dare you try and tell anyone that they should ignore anything they might be afraid of while they are pregnant? I ignored the fact that my daughter had been moving less an less because society told me not to worry so much. You know what? My baby was trying to tell me something. SHE WAS DYING!

Shame on you and shame on your editor for allowing this rubbish to get published.


Michelle Baum

For those of you who wish to read her blog, the address is here:

Monday, July 11, 2005

"Look out! I think she's gonna jump!"

No, I'm not. Just kidding. Thanks so much for all of your supportive messages. I know my last mess of posts sound like I'm really in the dumps, but surprisingly, I'm not. I don't really know why. I'm a little worried, sure. I'm really ready to be a mom again and move past all this crap. But honestly, that's all. My mood really isn't all that bad.

It's kind of hard to explain. Maybe I just have one of those attitudes that I just know that I can't control the outcome at this point, so why bother getting worked up? I mean, my will is current and all...


No, it's not all that bad. I just want the damn thing to go away and get on with it. That's all.

My Mortality

Our accountant was here this weekend discussing life insurance with us. We have been trying to decide how to upgrade it and cover all of our bases. It's been an interesting process. We did all of our family trust and will stuff too. The whole thing has been very grounding.

I started bleeding on Saturday. I didn't think much of it because I had been on the pill for a week. I just figured that my body was trying to regain control. So, I called Dr. Baby Maker and he had me come in Sunday for an ultrasound and to see where my levels were. I figured maybe the cyst had gone away and I'd get to get this party started. No luck.

The damn thing has doubled in size. It's the size of a grapefruit right now. Well, as of yesterday. It's still producing pregnancy hormones, so it's screwing with me ovulating. The doc had another doc come take a look. I knew when he got really quiet that something wasn't right.

I have to go do an MRI this week. Dr. Baby Maker wants to remove it right away. He said he needs to see the MRI so he knows its real position and to get a better idea of what's inside. He thought initially it was blood clots, but now he doesn't know. He told me that he wants to have an oncologist with his for the surgery "just in case". Needless to say, we're a little freaked. I cried all the way home when I left his office. I'm still trying to get my head around it all.

I do the MRI on Thursday, so I guess I won't know much more until next week...

Friday, July 08, 2005


The slut is now having twins? How is it possible??

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Wheels are Falling Off of the Wagon

Today has been total shit. I am so behind with work that I have spent the whole day playing catch up and it feels like every time I get a little bit ahead, the walls start crumbling again.

I have a big project I've been working on. It's one that got started right when Audrey was born. I had been sharing the management responsibilities with another rep who was supposed to be very knowledgeable and supportive. For months I thought he was. We divided the responsibilities in a way that didn't give me (or him) a full view of the project. He handled one side, while I handled another. I'd ask him questions and he would tell me it was handled and all is well.

This guy and I have gotten to be buddies and when my boss called and said that my buddy was underwater with some other projects, I gladly took on full responsibility for this one so he could get things worked out with his other deals. What I've found since I got it is that the thing is a freaking disaster. I have contractors who are pissed and a customer who knows it. I have guys who won't come and finish the job and I just don't know how to fix it. It will take more money that is not really in the budget for sure. And since I get paid based on the margin I'm pretty pissed that this guy blew it and his mistakes are eating into my pocketbook.

I need to call my boss and explain what's up because I need his help to fix it. I hate that. I hate that I can't fix this without involving him and I hate worse that I can't fix it without throwing my "buddy" under the bus.

I have been getting my ass chewed by various people all day and I'm just sick to death of it. I'm tired of getting my ass chewed because someone else fucked up. I'm tired of making excuses for him and I'm tired of explaining myself.

I'm just done. I can't deal with this shit right now!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

A Parasite

I went in today for a repeat baseline ultrasound and to hopefully get this show on the road. No love.

I had a cyst on one of my ovaries last time that he sort of dismissed as nothing. Now he's decided that the cyst is producing hormones and is causing my cycles to be all out of whack. I have to do nothing for a week. I guess most of these cysts go away on their own. Then, go back in next week for another ultrasound to see if the thing has gone. If it's not, then we have to start some medication that will dissolve it and then *hopefully* get started.

I know nothing about cysts. I have no idea what I'm dealing with here. My husband is even more clueless than I and all he could say was "well, honey, at least we had a nice weekend together".


Sunday, July 03, 2005


I just feel really blah. No energy to really do much. We bought a new car the other day. Nowhere fun to take it though...Costco...woohoo. Doing laundry.... Yippee. We're having some friends over for the 4th. We have a great view of the Valley from up here so we get to see every fireworks show. Going to swim and grill some steaks. I need to clean the patio and pick up the house. I still need to get a few things at the grocery store but I haven't gotten the energy to do that either. I suck.

Yesterday was my last day taking the pill. I go see Dr. Baby Maker on Tuesday to repeat the bloodwork and redo the baseline ultrasound. So, we're almost exactly a week from where we would have been if we'd gotten to start last week. I almost feel like my body isn't my own anymore.

Jim & I have been a little bit short with each other the last few days. I'm irritated with his work schedule and he's irritated with me being irritated. That, and we've had to take an in depth look at our speding so we can update our life insurance...that sucked. We look at credit card bills and it always makes me feel like a bad girl. I guess I am. Oh well.

I wish I felt better. I'm just cranky. I'd like to be fooling around and snuggling, but every time I start down that road he does something to piss me off. Ugh. I guess I'm just being bitchy.

Maybe my title should have been "Bitchy," not "Bored".

Friday, July 01, 2005

Anam Cara - Interview

Here goes:

1 Your daughter Caitlin is a doll. Tell me your favorite Caitlin story. Why is it your favorite? Has she picked up your husband's accent?

2 I can tell you are really struggling with the decision to stay in the UK or go back to the States. If you come back, what would you miss the most? What would you want your daughter to remember most about your time there? What will you remember most? Was it hard to learn how to drive on the wrong side of the road? :)

3 Since I can't get into some of your archives and see how much detail you went into, tell me about your time in Russia. Why were you there? How long? I think your time aboad is very cool!

4 **disclaimer If the next questions are too tough or you just don't want to answer, then no worries. Forget I wrote them.** I know Thomas is buried near where you live. If you have to move, is there a way for you to take him? I know that might sound horrible and morbid, but I think that would be the one reason that I would have to stay. I wouldn't be able to leave him. Part of me thinks it's odd that I have have Audrey here with us, but I hope to leave here one day and wouldn't want to do it without her. Do you go see him often? I can't decide if it would be harder or easier to have a real "place" to go visit. There are days that I cannot pry myself from Audrey's room and her stuff, but then there are days I have to shut the door and not look.

5 What are your 15 words?