Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Saturday, July 16, 2005


I did the MRI on Thursday. No biggie, just another test really. Dr. Baby Maker called and said that he would schedule the surgery once he read the results. Probably 2 weeks away. I just want it over. I just feel like this whole thing is another chapter in the saga of us trying have our next child. I wish I could have skipped ahead.

I've been thinking a lot about Audrey's birthday. It's really just around the corner (Sept. 16). It seems like everything has that date or a date near there lately. We got our new play group calendar and my next turn is Sept. 15, B's birthday is the 17th and the sour cream I bought today expires on the 16th. See, it's everywhere.

I want to honor her birthday every year. I think this year I am going to have a little party for her. Maybe we'll grill steaks have the chocolate birthday cake she should get to share and then release some balloons. I know the balloons aren't very creative, but somehow they seem fitting. I thought I might write her a note and send it up to heaven with a pretty pink balloon. Oh my God, I miss her so much lately.

Honestly, I have been more emotional lately that I was for awhile. I don't know if it's all the trials of trying to get pregnant, that her birthday is so close or that I have been so stressed out with everything else that I am just not holding it all in as well as I usually do. It seems like the flood gates are opening more and more often.

I had really hoped that I would be pregnant by the time her birthday came. I guess I just thought (mistakenly, maybe) that knowing a new little one was coming, might help soothe the hurt somehow. I've said a hundred times that I don't know how I'll get through that day without being pregnant. Lame, huh? Maybe I'm so touchy because that is looking less and less likely.

On one hand, I feel very fortunate. I am lucky enough to have one beautiful, brilliant living daughter and one beautiful, brilliant angel daughter. I wonder if we had waited to have either of them that we might be having all of these fertility issues and not be comforted by the fact that if all else failed, we would still have them to love.

On the other hand, I feel so angry and ripped off. We wouldn't be doing any of this if Audrey had lived. We would be raising our girls and life would be much different. Now, we mourn her loss every minute of every day and almost as often, we wonder if we'll ever be able to give Gracie a sibling to share her future with.

I saw two little boys holding hands today, brothers. They were maybe 3 or 4 and 2. They were so cute. Just adorable. It made me think about what Gracie will be missing without Audrey here. They would have been so close in age that they would have had so many of life's experiences in common. It makes me sad to think that she'll never know Audrey and what their relationship would have been like.

I don't understand why I feel so raw now. Why now? Why again? Why any of it?


  • At 6:53 AM , Anonymous KB said...

    Cuz you're a mom. And you're human. And you love your daughters. Both of them.

  • At 7:25 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    I don't know why this happens to anyone. But I'm not sure any explanation would satisfy me anyway. You shouldn't be without your beautiful daughter and I shouldn't be without my beautiful son. There is no explanation that will make that any better.

    You'll get through her birthday the way you get through all the other days...minute by minute. I think a little celebration sounds lovely.

  • At 11:50 AM , Blogger Anam Cara said...

    I think it is hitting you hard now because it is coming up to Audrey's first birthday. I found the two months leading up to, and the month after, Thomas' birthday to be very very very difficult. It was almost like going back to square one, those raw emotions and feelings of hopelessness from the early days. I thought I was going to lose my mind, yet again. It sucked. I too was hoping I would be pregnant, but it didn't happen. We had a birthday cake and released balloons; it was very bittersweet, emotional and just downright sad, but it was a good thing to do I think, esp. for Caitlin (and would be for Gracie). Reading what you write just really hit home for me. I wonder if we will ever be able to give our daughter a sibling too, and I constantly wonder and mourn what could have been between Caitlin and Thomas. You are alone MB! Sending you big((hugs)))).

  • At 11:51 AM , Blogger Anam Cara said...

    I meant to say NOT alone! Sorry for the typo.

  • At 3:04 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    i'm so sorry for your pain. and i think sending your daughter a message in a balloon is so, so beautiful. i may borrow that idea for our son's birthday.

  • At 4:27 PM , Blogger gabesmama said...

    Hi Michelle,

    Sounds like we are both pissed off about other things than trying to get pregnant. I too had some other reproductive problems lately. I'm here to listen. You can check out my blog at

  • At 3:18 PM , Blogger Jill said...

    It sounds as though you have a lovely day planned for both your girls. I know from my nearly 5yo daughter that they need to acknowledge the babies and that they died from an incredibly early age.

    It's so wrong that this happened to you and there are no answers. I'm certain it will always be difficult to face the day that should have been about your daughter's life and future but wasn't.

    I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time:(


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