Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, February 27, 2006

And the Sick Bastard of the Year Award goes to...

Okay, I seriously can't even believe this guy has the balls to write this crap down. As I read it, I found myself laughing at the reality of what goes on in this man's brain. If some man I dated or knew tried pulling this crap, it would have been a very, very bad choice.

Now, I can't wait to hear what you all think...


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

What now?

I don't know what's next. I do know I'm done with the RE for a while. I may drag out the old fertility monitor and try that for a few months. I may even renew the old Fertility Friend subscription and try that.

Wanna hear something funny? When we first started "trying" and I started at FF, I only got the 3 month subscription because I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't be there that long. Joke's on me, eh? Maybe this time, I'll do the lifetime. Makes sense since it's taking a lifetime to get pregnant.

I'm honestly not as upset as I thought I would be. I'm still a little surprised. I really thought this was it. It's not. It never is. I don't understand why. That is still the hardest part...

Monday, February 20, 2006

officially official

Beta = BFN

I need a vacation from doctors.


Saturday, February 18, 2006


BFN this morning and just to shred any ounce of hope I might have still had, my period has started.

I guess Ali wasn't our guy.

I'm going to go lick my wounds now. I see a drink in my future. Hey, it's only 7:30 AM... Oh well, that's what Baily's & coffee is for I guess.

Thursday, February 16, 2006


I've been trying to get together a trip to go see my mom & dad (they live outside of New Orleans) before they haul off and move out of the damn country and I can't seem to get the airlines to help me out. Assholes (sorry Justin, not directed at you by any means...). I wanted to fly Southwest and use some unused funds I alread have banked, but there are such limited flights into New Orleans right now that getting a flight is near impossible. I tried other sirlines, but not only does the problem seem to be the same, but then I'm just spending more money since I have money I've already spent that I wanted to use. I even tried other airports, but I'm getting nothing that works.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.


I broke down and tested this morning. BFN. Idiot. Why did I do that. It's only 6 days since the transfer. It's too early, right? I know the answer, but someone please tell me it's not over...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Beware...Mommy rant.

Why do I do this to myself?

Gracie starts pre-school in the fall and I am very excited. It's a great school and a really great opportunity for her to learn, make friends and generally have experiences and an education that her dad and I never had. I'm so excited for her.

But...There is some disagreement between my friends (read: other moms I know) about what our three year olds should be doing at this point in their lives. Gracie has swimming lessons twice a week. She loves, loves, loves them. She's such a little fish. Since we have a pool, my biggest concern was safety, so I wanted her to learn early. I loved at the beach at her age and was in the ocean at 6 weeks, it's part of my culture. She also has an art class once a week. I'm cool with just that. The classes are through the rec center and are very in expensive, they teach what I think she should learn at this point and I'm good with that. She stays with a friend of mine during the day while I work. She gets to go hang out with the same playgroup once a week that I used to take her to when I worked from home, so she gets a little socialization there. It's all good. I'm cool. Oh, and she's about to join a 3-4 year-old T-Ball league because I want her to have the experience with team sports that I never had. Well, that and I think it will be really cute seeing a bunch of 3-4 year-olds trying to play T-Ball.

She speaks very clearly for her age. She uses whole sentences and uses (mostly) correct grammar and context. You can totally understand every word. She knows the words to any kids' song you can come up with, she has memorized parts of all of her favorite movies and can tell you what they are all about and what's going to happen. She knows her ABC's and can recognize most of the letters. She can count to 15 pretty consistently. I'm so proud of her.

So why do I keep comparing her to other kids? Why do I keep comparing what I have planned for her with what other parents are doing? It makes me feel stupid when I get irritated at my friend for putting her 3 year-old in horseback riding. Why? Because what the hell is a 3 year-old going to get out of it besides the opportunity to ride in a walking circle on a horse for a half an hour? Seems pointless to me to do something like that until a kid can really learn what it's like and what it means to have a horse. It's not about just riding. It's about feeding them and mucking stalls and exercising them and just generally caring for an animal that requires so much work.

I get irritated when I hear moms talk about not putting their kid in pre-school in the fall because they are going to put them in a kindergarten that they know will not challenge them academically so they don't wan t their kid getting too far ahead and be burned out too early. Seriously? Do people not value academics anymore? It makes me insane. I know you don't have to put your kid in pre-school. I know that. But don't tell me you're not doing it and then offer up such a completely lame reason.

And then...I wonder if I'm doing it wrong. I am making choices for my daughter that will affect her whole life. What if I make bad choices? Why am I so judgmental about what other moms are doing? I try not to be judgmental, I really do. But, I still catch myself getting irritated when I think someone is being dumb.

God help me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


These progesterone injections are now officially awful. The first week was a breeze, but today has been very painful after last night's injection. I'll be glad when these are over.

I'm trying to decide on doing an HPT. I'm scared to death that if it's negative my bubble will fully burst. I might try and hold out for the beta.

Truth be told I'm scared to death. What if it doesn't work?

Monday, February 13, 2006

Transfer Complete-Quick Update

Transfer was Friday. It went well. I've been lounging since then.

Gracie came down with a cold on Thursday. By Sunday she was kind enough to pass it to me. I feel like crap, but I'm trying to take it easy and stay positive.

I'll be back at work tomorrow, so I'll update more then.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Now THAT'S Funny

I was reading all of my usual blogs this morning when I came across this:

I have nearly peed myself laughing. I couldn't have (and didn't) said it better myself.

Damn, she's funny.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Another Celebrity Gripe

Just one more and then I will be done for today.

Last fall I was in my RE's office and in walks Penn Gilette of Penn & Teller fame. They are very famous magicians and have a show here in Vegas. Anyway, with him is his wife (I was thrilled because in w world where celebrity men marry the hot chick with the huge tits, this lady was normal and very sweet looking) and also his little daughter who was maybe 6 months old. I overheard them talking with my RE that they were trying again but this time with the goal of having a boy.

So today as I am supposed to be working, I am reading my People magazine. In the Passages section what do I see? Penn Gilette and his wife Emily are expecting a boy in June.

See, the thing is, I'd take anything. A boy, a girl, whatever. And there people out there selecting boy or girl and getting their wish.

And you want to know the best part? The sweet little girl I saw them with? They named that poor child Moxie Crimefighter. What the hell is that? I can live with Apple. But that?

Come the hell on people.

Stupid, Stupid;_ylt=AtfyH1tZppNGkOPi0wLFsq1xFb8C;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA--

So, this pissed me off yesterday. Then this morning, I was listening to my favorite LA morning crew online and they get a call from a girl who was at the Starbucks in Malibu where this all happened. She claims that the drama was no where near what Miss Bitch claims it to be and that even at the time it happened, after they watched it all go on, they thought she was nuts for not putting that kid in his carseat. She said there was no excuse and that the photogs really were not being as aggressive as she's claiming to justify her actions.


Tuesday, February 07, 2006


As our transfer date approaches (2/10), I have been unble to think of much else besides the (however remote) possibility that I may already be pregnant. I've thought and thought and have even called my OB so as to ask the questions and not alert the RE on the chance that he'll cancel my cycle all together.

Well, that's the answer she gave. She says 10 dpo is too early for even a blood test and if I am sure I ovulated, we should wait out the cycle. She was kind enough to offer to call my RE herself, afterall they are lifelong buddies (didn't know that). Uh, no thanks. I'll decide (somehow) what to ask or if I will even bring it up.

So, I can keep my mouth shut and go ahead with the transfer as there is no real chance I could get a positive blood or home test by Friday. Or, I put the brakes on and we wait to see what happened this month.

I don't really like any of those options.

I don't like going ahead with the transfer if it could harm our chances with a possible already existing pregnancy plus if something goes wrong, we're out the possible and Ali. Not good.

I don't like cancelling it all together because guaranteed my buddy Murphy will step in and I will have nothing in 2 weeks to show for all of this. Plus, we're out most of the money for this cycle since we've used a lot of the meds and the costs of the office visits and bloodwork we've already done.

Why on earth did I ever think this was going to work out okay? What made me think this was no big deal?


Monday, February 06, 2006

Session 3

What a draining thing therapy is. So much crying. Sheesh. I was there at nine, left at 10 and wanted to go striaght to bed. Still do. Sheesh.

When we lost Audrey, I wrote her a letter telling her we loved her and missed her and a whole bunch of other stuff. Well, I had to bring it and read it today. I guess it was supposed to be healing, but I don't know if I got that. I really just feel very raw. Raw like all of those wounds are stinging again.

I don't know what to think.

We talked about guilt. The guilt I feel because I don't feel like I've woven Audrey into my life like I should. Like I should be doing more to acknowledge her as part of our family. I'm just not sure how to do it. I mean, she sits in her wooden box in the crib. I say 'Hi' when I go in her room. But mostly, I avoid her room. I just don't know what's right. And, I feel guilty about that.

My homework is to write a response to my letter as if Audrey were writing back to me. It's supposed to help answer all of the questions I have as if they were coming from you. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, they will really be my answers and likely, what my brain wants to hear vs. what might really be reality.

I want her to know that I love her. Does she miss us the way we miss her, does she know we miss her? I want to say yes, but is it true? Does she know that we are not trying for another baby to replace her? I mean, we really are in the sense that we wouldn't be doing this if we had her here. How am I supposed to feel about all of that? It almost feels like I'm lying to myself just to make me feel better. Is that right?

It seems like mind games. I don't like them. I never had. Things have to make sense to me or I just can't play.

I told her that it feels like I've been living someone else's life since 2004. Like ,mine stopped then and is in limbo while I live this one. Weird.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

You know, good question.

I don't know if my cervix would be closed. Best case I'd be like 10 dpo. Would it be that tight already? I mean, I'm going to have to ask about it now. When we did the IVF we had very strict instructions to use condoms during that cycle. We even had to sign a form saying we understood that.

This time? Nadda. Zilch.

I wonder what the deal is. Ali is a day 6 blast right now, so he's only really 4 days behind growth-wise. As for implantation and closed cervixes (cervi?) I don't know.

I may have to do some more research. I'll post on IVF Connections. Someone always knows over there.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I will stay positive, I will stay positive...

9 more days until the transfer... I'm feeling very hopeful.. More so than I have in the past. I suppose that's a good thing.

I think I ovulated yesterday. Lots of (TMI) EWCM and that funny side pain. So, on the off chance I am right, I seduced my husband last night. Poor clueless man. God love him. I figure the worst thing that could happen is that we have more than biggie!

Curious; how would those numbers play out? If I did O yesterday and we concieved, I would be 10dpo on transfer day. How weird would that be?