Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Session 3

What a draining thing therapy is. So much crying. Sheesh. I was there at nine, left at 10 and wanted to go striaght to bed. Still do. Sheesh.

When we lost Audrey, I wrote her a letter telling her we loved her and missed her and a whole bunch of other stuff. Well, I had to bring it and read it today. I guess it was supposed to be healing, but I don't know if I got that. I really just feel very raw. Raw like all of those wounds are stinging again.

I don't know what to think.

We talked about guilt. The guilt I feel because I don't feel like I've woven Audrey into my life like I should. Like I should be doing more to acknowledge her as part of our family. I'm just not sure how to do it. I mean, she sits in her wooden box in the crib. I say 'Hi' when I go in her room. But mostly, I avoid her room. I just don't know what's right. And, I feel guilty about that.

My homework is to write a response to my letter as if Audrey were writing back to me. It's supposed to help answer all of the questions I have as if they were coming from you. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, they will really be my answers and likely, what my brain wants to hear vs. what might really be reality.

I want her to know that I love her. Does she miss us the way we miss her, does she know we miss her? I want to say yes, but is it true? Does she know that we are not trying for another baby to replace her? I mean, we really are in the sense that we wouldn't be doing this if we had her here. How am I supposed to feel about all of that? It almost feels like I'm lying to myself just to make me feel better. Is that right?

It seems like mind games. I don't like them. I never had. Things have to make sense to me or I just can't play.

I told her that it feels like I've been living someone else's life since 2004. Like ,mine stopped then and is in limbo while I live this one. Weird.

2 Comments:

  • At 6:32 AM , Anonymous rach said...

    I view it as a wonderful tribute to Audrey, and a wonderful way to weave her into your life, the fact that you are trying so hard for another baby.

    Had both your daughters been burdens, or had they been little people that you wanted to forget, would you be trying to create another one?

    I think in trying to expand your family you are giving her the biggest tribute of all. And honoring her memory by saying, "Hey, you were worth it."

    Just my humble opinion.

    Have you ever thought about that?

     
  • At 10:16 AM , Blogger kate said...

    I totally don't get this homework stuff. It would piss me off to no end if someone asked me to do that. I guess that is why i don't go to therapy...

    Audrey is already woven into your life, she is part and parcel of your being. She is in everything you do. It is just another thing that has been stolen from us, that that is all our missing children can be. I can tell you all about what cute thing Chloe did today, but what can i say about Nicolas? He's still dead, in an urn on my dresser. So his impact is hard to see. But it is there, in what i do and what my family does -- i have to believe that.

     

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