Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Friday, March 31, 2006

As suspected.


I can deal with this. I can.

I hope.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Maybe Nots

Rach, I wish.

I've thought that *maybe* this goofy period *could* be *maybe* a pregnancy. I *could* be one of those women who has a goofy period and then lo and behold, pregnant. I mean, I know several of those.

*I*, however, am not usually that lucky. Well, certainly in the last 2 years I have not been that lucky. Seriously. I have totally written off that possibility because the thought of getting my hopes up again so soon after the crash and burn of another busted cycle is just more than I want to deal with at the moment.

I mean, logically, an 11 day lueteal phase is short. And, a period lasting a day and a half? Well, not since puberty my friends. So, something is definitely off. But, knowing my f-ed up body, it's more likely that it's a cyst or something that is screwing with me.

Having said that, I will pee on a stick tomorrow morning just to make myself feel worse, because that's what I do best. See, *maybes* in my life lately have totally ended with *maybe not*.

No News is just, well, no news.

Nothing exciting. Sad...

Jim's going to meet with some guys today about a potential job. He's super excited about it. It would be an extreme blessing if everything just fell into place. He would be soo happy and I would be happy and much relieved. Please, please...

AF lasted all of a day and a half. I have no reason to believe I'm pregnant, but am leaning toward "totally f-ed up". I have an appointment with my OB/Gyn on the 17th and am hoping to talk her into some Clomid. I figure it can't hurt and I'm just not ready to see the RE again.

Oh, and I thjink my ear is infected...again.

That's all.

Monday, March 27, 2006


That's all I have to say about that.

Friday, March 24, 2006


Are you freaking kidding me? Don't ask how I found this:

And what's, more, don't ask why I looked at it when I knew what it was going to be.


I might have used the "F" word here several times, but decided not to.


Why am I laughing hysterically? The beeoch had a c-section for Christ's sakes!

Somebody shoot me.


Unfair? What is that really?

I hate saying something is unfair. It's really so lame. Life is not fair or equal in anyway. Why even make the statement? Why would I even consider that something is 'unfair' when fairness never comes into play in life's affairs?

And yet, this morning, I said "this is all so unfair". As if that matters.

It's CD30. I expect AF any day. I haven't had my usual signs that she's coming, but she's surprised me enough times that symptoms (or lack thereof) are all super irrelevant. I thought maybe my boobs were sore, but who knows.

I wrestle with feeling like I should keep my hopes up and then in doing that am I setting myself up for disappointment. I guess I can't win. Do I let the Universe see me as the person who thinks it's not going to happen, so why both getting excited? In doing that I risk the fear that maybe someone out there will think I don't really want it. But, if I do get excited and keep hoping, I risk the heartbreaking disappointment I know so well. I just don't want that anymore. It's not in me to be indifferent. I can't pretend it's not all going on. Things are either going to be wonderful in a few days or my world will come crashing down all over again.

I hate that the joy of this process gets taken away for so many of us.

It's all so unfair.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Good Memories

I was thinking this morning about the day that I found out Grace was on her way. Of course, if I had known then that I could possibly love or be more proud of anyone, I would have been a hundred times more excited than I was. Nevertheless, I was thrilled.

Jim and I weren't "officially" trying, but I hadn't been trying to stop it or anything for months. Jim had joked that if we got pregnant, I needed to let him know right away because the two seater we had at the time would have to go and the one he wanted would take nine months to arrive. Good timing, eh?

So, I was at work and I decided to go at lunch and get a test. Came back and got the faintest ever positive. I was completely freaked. I knew the rule about a positive being a positive, but I was still so unsure. I did was anyone else would do. I grabbed a co-worker and drug her into my office to look. She agreed it was positive and we did a little happy dance. So much for the husband being the first to know.

I sat at my desk trying to figure out how to tell Jim. I am no good at secrets and I have zero patience.

So, I sent him an e-mail. Sad. This is our exchange.

Me: How will it take to get the car?

Him: About 9 months, why?

Me: Better order it.

And then my phone rang.

And the rest is history.

And I want that again sooo badly. I screwed it up when we found out Audrey was coming. It was all wrong and I still feel horrible about it. I want another chance.


Monday, March 20, 2006

Life Update

Gracie has her very first ear infection. She's been such a trooper. I had to go to California for the weekend to take care of a sick friend and Gracie was amazing. Helped me clean and do laundry like it was going to Disneyland or something. It was just so cool.

I thought I felt a bladder infection coming on before we left on Friday and I tried to make it go away with over-the-counter stuff and by drowning myself in water and cranberry juice to no avail. By Sunday I wasn't sure how I'd make the 4 hour drive home if I had to stop and pee every 20 minutes (or less). I made Jim go talk to our neighbor who is an ER doc at the hospital near us. I had him ask if she knew who was on duty and if I could just sneak in real quick hoping that she'd offer to just call something in. I am grateful to report that she called in an antibiotic for me. I could just kiss her. But, she'll have to settle for the steak and wine I promised at dinner on Saturday. I can't even tell you how grateful I was (am) to not have to spend any time in the doctor's office or pee in a cup and wait when I KNOW what the problem is. I'm happy to say that I am already on the mend. Gotta love modern medicine.

Trying to stay positive about Jim's career future. He's trying to get some irons in the fire and the severance agreement is about done. We'll be okay until December, but if it takes longer than that, we'll have to get into our savings. I should be grateful we've got that long, but I'm really just pissed we're dealing with this at all. I guess the upside is that if he's lucky enough to find something sooner than later, the severance is just extra cash. I'm trying to look at this as the "break" I've been begging for. It's an opportunity for him to be happy with his job and an opportunity for us to replace some of the money we spent on fertility stuff. I hope, I hope.

On TTC, it's CD 26, 6 DPO. Nothing more to really report on that subject. I'm really not very hopeful.

Oh, and Meredith C, I'm so sorry you are one of the commenters affected by my no anonymous commenters rule, truly. I hope you understand. I left my e-mail address for you in your guestbook at TLOL. :( On the upside, maybe this means I'll get an e-mail from you now and then!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

For Rachel...

Shame on you for asking a proud mommy for pistures. Now you'll be bombarded...

This is from Halloween last year. Bad pic, but bad mommy has several dozen pictures on the camera that I have yet to download and sort.

I suck.

This is from her first birthday and one of my absolute favorites. That's me and my double chin.

And this, is from our Christmas card last year... The bear is Audrey's bear. It was given to us when she was born. It's our way of making sure she gets to be in the family picture.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

CD 20

So here's the thing, I'm old. My cycles are suddenly whacked. I just got my much anticipated "peak" on ye olde fertility monitor this morning. We did it last night, but Jim left for Mississippi this morning, so it will have to do.

I had visions of a grande entry, but it seems to have passed. Dammit. I'll have to try again later.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

My Blog My Rules

Well, I've been forced to follow so many who decided to disallow anonymous comments. I apologize to my bloggy friends who will be affected by this choice, but them's the rules...made by me. I'm the Master of this Universe. If I want to say nasty things about Britney, I get to. Even better, I get to and I don't have to hear your BRAVE ANONYMOUS opinions about how I feel.

Grow some balls and use your name if you have something to say.

Sorry guys.

Friday, March 10, 2006

My New Favorite Song

Okay, I'm generally not a huge Kenny Rogers fan, but this one I like.

I Can't Unlove You

Postcards and letters
Pictures made to last forever
To Be boxed up
and tossed away
Nick-Nacs, souvenirs
In an afternoon
Their out of here
They disappear without a trace
What they mean to me can never be replaced
I cant unthink about you
I cant unfeel your touch
I cant unhear all the words
Unsay all the things that used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember everything
My hearts been through
Im finding out its impossible to do
Oh, its no use
I cant unlove you
In this dance of old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess I could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself its meant to be this way
No matter how I try
Some things I cant change.
I wish I could unremember
Everything my hearts been through
Im finding out its impossible to do
Its no use
I cant unlove you

Ooops, the Whore did it again.

The whore of all whore is pregnant again. What the hell? Dirty, dirty Britney.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


So after 2 days of puking and pooping my brains out, I've lost my "IVF weight". That's good, right? And Laura, I know what you meant. Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that the clothes I wore to work the other day will never be the same and thank God for leather seats and Lysol.


Monday, March 06, 2006

Freeway Lives!

And he went home today. He's still a little congested, but I hardly recognized him when we picked him up. And what a sweetie. He's a lucky guy. He's going to a home of cat lovers where he will be spoiled for the rest of his days.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Sweet Baby Girl

I sure am missing you today. Two years ago this week we found out you were on your way. We knew our lives were changing forever.

We love you.


Friday, March 03, 2006

Catching Up

Work so sucks right now. My boss is a complete ass. I feel like I'm in a bad relationship again. I guess that's Murphy. I finally meet a nice, kind man who doesn't treat me like crap and to balance things out again, my boss has to be an ass. Ack. So, that explains why I'm writing here and not working like I should be. Shhh...Don't tell.

Oh, I should clarify why it sucks more than before. There's no longer a light at the end of the tunnel. DH has been given notice that his job is going away. His last official day is May 26. They are paying him severance untill Sept 16 (nice, Audrey's 2nd birthday...happy birthday honey, daddy's unemployed!). They are also paying for an executive search company and outplacement. It's really not as bad as it sounds. I've been telling him for years that his department is on it's way down the shitter. But, his loyal ass has just stayed with it thinking that if he did a good job, he'd be taken care of. Well, they're taking care of him alright. He needed out. It's not all that bad. For the record, I have not said "I told you so" even once. I've wanted to, but I haven't. Why do they never listen?

Having said that, until he gets a new job (hopefully before May 26 so we can keep the extra cash), I will be working. I am not happy about it. But, one of us has to be gainfully employed... I do hate it. He did say that if we could get him a job, I could quit and he would take a month off to just be with us. Maybe take a fancy trip somewhere.

Hey, unemployment pretty much guarantees a positive pregancy test, no?

Gracie is doing awesome. I probably don't talk about her here as much as I should. Bad mommy. She started preschool this week. She freaking loves, loves it. So far all the teachers love, love her back. She's such a sweetie. I'm so proud of her.

She went to the dentist for the first time this week too. She was a total champ. X-rays and all with no tears. Not even one freak out. Which is odd, because I hate the dentist. Hate it. I cry when I have to go. Okay, I don't cry, but I do hate it. Looks like she'll be getting braces when the time comes. I'm afraid she has my mouth and teeth. Poor kid. Amazing that they can tell that stuff so early now. Crazy.

I love her...She's my heart.

Freeway is good. Still at the vet getting treated for the respiratory thing. He got his balls whacked, so he's probably pretty pissed about that, but he's good. He's clean (that is very good, because I cannot even begin to describe how incredibly dirty he was). Had ear mites, but they are fixing that. Tested negative for the nasty cat viruses. Has some cuts on his feet and his nails are pretty worn. The vet thinks he was stuck on the freeway for days. Poor guy. He's such a sweetie. I'm going to go see him today. They are keeping him over the weekend. If dh won't let us keep him, then we have several people who are willing to take him. I feel like we did something good. I like that. Update, can't go see him. They have him quarantined until the respiratory thing is better...bummer.

It's CD 9 officially. Still a low reading on the good old fertility monitor. No idea what to expect this month since my cycles have been so whacked the last year with everything I've done to my body. I'm hoping for some normalcy and maybe just a little bit of predictability. I think I'm going to try charting and the monitor for 2 months and if we get nothing, I'm going to go see my OB about the possibility of some clomid. I have some Follistim and a trigger from the IUI we were never able to do. I wish I knew the protocol for that stuff, I do it myself and just see what would happen. I'd probably end up with a litter... Anyone know? I'm feeling froggy...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

CD something or other and 9 lives

7 I think. And away we go.

Rescued a cat today. My co-worker and I were driving on the freeway and he spotted the poor kitty on the shoulder. We couldn't get back to him so we got off at the next exit and went back to get him. Pulled over, and the damn thing jumped under my Yukon and parked himself on my spare tire. Pretty safe place really. But, we couldn't get him out and couldn't sit on the shoulder trying to get him so we slowly made the 5 mile drive back to my office. We could hear him crying the whole way. Heartbreaking.

Got back to the office and spent the nest 3 hours trying to get him out. He's sick and skinny, very dehydrated, but wasn't budging from the tire. I finally called Onstar (if you see me on an Onstar commercial, you heard it here first). They were all set to send someone out, but before they could get it scheduled, we finally got a hold of him and jerked him out.

So, we made our way to the closest vet. He's there now, we're waiting to hear if he can be made well or not. He had goopy eyes, goopy nose, a foot injury and his nether region was not so good. He's not fixed (that pisses me off) and my guess (by his teeth) is that he's less than a year old. Super friendly though. He purred and rubbed his dirty self all over me. I of course wore a white shirt today. He's currently light grey (same color as my once white shirt) and dark grey. I think with a bath he'll be grey and white.

I'm trying to convince DH to let us keep him and name him Freeway, but I don't know if he'll bite. We're really not cat people, but this one found us, so we'll see. I hope the vet calls soon. Poor little guy.