Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Unfair? What is that really?

I hate saying something is unfair. It's really so lame. Life is not fair or equal in anyway. Why even make the statement? Why would I even consider that something is 'unfair' when fairness never comes into play in life's affairs?

And yet, this morning, I said "this is all so unfair". As if that matters.

It's CD30. I expect AF any day. I haven't had my usual signs that she's coming, but she's surprised me enough times that symptoms (or lack thereof) are all super irrelevant. I thought maybe my boobs were sore, but who knows.

I wrestle with feeling like I should keep my hopes up and then in doing that am I setting myself up for disappointment. I guess I can't win. Do I let the Universe see me as the person who thinks it's not going to happen, so why both getting excited? In doing that I risk the fear that maybe someone out there will think I don't really want it. But, if I do get excited and keep hoping, I risk the heartbreaking disappointment I know so well. I just don't want that anymore. It's not in me to be indifferent. I can't pretend it's not all going on. Things are either going to be wonderful in a few days or my world will come crashing down all over again.

I hate that the joy of this process gets taken away for so many of us.

It's all so unfair.

2 Comments:

  • At 11:11 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

    It does really suck that the excitment is taken out of this whole trying thing... It's too scary to get excited because repeted failure just teaches us not to get our hopes up.

     
  • At 5:04 PM , Blogger kate said...

    It is just unfair and i am sorry. Hoping for you...

     

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