Unfair? What is that really?

I hate saying something is unfair. It's really so lame. Life is not fair or equal in anyway. Why even make the statement? Why would I even consider that something is 'unfair' when fairness never comes into play in life's affairs?

And yet, this morning, I said "this is all so unfair". As if that matters.

It's CD30. I expect AF any day. I haven't had my usual signs that she's coming, but she's surprised me enough times that symptoms (or lack thereof) are all super irrelevant. I thought maybe my boobs were sore, but who knows.

I wrestle with feeling like I should keep my hopes up and then in doing that am I setting myself up for disappointment. I guess I can't win. Do I let the Universe see me as the person who thinks it's not going to happen, so why both getting excited? In doing that I risk the fear that maybe someone out there will think I don't really want it. But, if I do get excited and keep hoping, I risk the heartbreaking disappointment I know so well. I just don't want that anymore. It's not in me to be indifferent. I can't pretend it's not all going on. Things are either going to be wonderful in a few days or my world will come crashing down all over again.

I hate that the joy of this process gets taken away for so many of us.

It's all so unfair.