Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Panic Attacks

I think I'm getting very close to having full blown panic attacks.

Today, my mom & dad took Gracie for 5 days to my brother's house in California. I'm sad she's gone, but that's not what is freaking me out.

I'm scared to death something will happen to her while she's gone. I've had these little flashes before. I think most mothers do. My problem is that mine have gotten very graphic and lengthy.

I can see them getting into a car accident on the way and I can see in my mind, Gracie face at the moment the other car hits them. I can see the blood and the damage to her little body and I can hear her calling for me when I'm not there. I can see them at the beach and her playing too close to the water and drowning as she gets pulled under by the waves. Again, she's screaming for me and I'm not there. I could go on. I have a scenario for almost every possible thing they could do while they are gone.

I suppose the common thread is that she calls and I'm not there. Is that a fear of all of mothers? Does it stem from the fact that Audrey was dying inside of me and I didn't hear her crying for me to help her? Slowly my body deprived her of everything she needed to survive and I didn't hear her crying for me to save her. I suppose that's probably part of it.

I wonder too if I'm so scared of losing Gracie because I know I just couldn't bear the thought of losing another child. How could I go through that again. I don't think there is any way I would survive it.

Maybe I should check into seeing a therapist.

8 Comments:

  • At 9:38 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    I have flashes of that. But so far I'm able to keep them under control...beat them back so they're not debilitating. I think it's all a matter of what YOU think is normal. If you think it's a problem, then don't question yourself...ask for help.

     
  • At 12:28 PM , Anonymous Michelle A said...

    I have those visions, too. They are horrifying. And it is so easy to get lost in them when your child is away from you and you feel like you have no control. It can be downright scary.

    Maybe seeing a therapist isn't such a bad idea given all you have been through and are still going through, Michelle. How much are we supposed to take? I think we are only equipped to handle so much and you have had way more on your plate.

    I am praying for you. I always do.

     
  • At 12:40 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

    I'm so sorry... it must be really hard to combine so many emotions. And i would recommend talking to someone... I've found it helpful.

     
  • At 8:51 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    this topic is one i've identified to my therapist as one with which i need help. i have these concerns constantly when i'm not with justin, and to a certain extent about myself, although at this point if something fell on me it would be a blessing of sorts.

    i really believe we all deserve to live without fear. if a therapist will give you that freedom, i hope you go for it.

     
  • At 11:30 PM , Blogger Anam Cara said...

    I have the same fears about my daughter when she is not with me. So far, I have been able to keep them under control. I think mainly because she is with me most of the time. But the older she gets, and the more time she starts spending away from me, I am not sure how I will be able to handle these thoughts and visions. But you're right, it is horrible when you imagine them calling for you and you aren't there. My DH & I have thought about going away for a few days and leaving her with my in-laws (they keep saying we should). But I am too afraid to leave her. I haven't brought this issue up with my therapist, but maybe I will! I wonder if we would be more relaxed about it if we hadn't experienced the death of a child first-hand??
    I hope you will be OK the next few days. (((hugs))))

     
  • At 8:52 AM , Blogger Anam Cara said...

    By the way, could I have your e-mail address Michelle?

     
  • At 10:46 AM , Anonymous Shannon (Sentimental-Shannon424) said...

    I definately think what you are feeling is totally normal sweetie but that doesn't comfort you now. But it is so easy to turn those mechinisms into other things so I definately feel if you think you need to talk to a therapist that is a good idea. When I ignored those urges and feelings it turned into something out of my control. Getting therapy was a life saving tactic for me. Hugs sweetie!

     
  • At 1:15 PM , Blogger KB said...

    Therapy is good..... drinking is good..... wait.... that's out for you.... ah hell, I'll handle that end.

    OK, seriously, I think therapy's not such a bad idea, with everything you've gone through and everything you are dealing with. It's okay to ask for help. You are a strong, strong woman.

     

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