Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Knowledge and Learning

I went up to the clinic to do a blood test. I called Dr. BM and recounted the details of the last two days and proceeded to melt into a blubbering puddle of tears while we talked. It's the first time I've broken down with him. I've tried to be calm and collected because I assumed he got enough of the blubbering. I even kept my cool while I recounted the details of my pregnancy with Audrey and then, her death at our first meeting.

He didn't give me any info. He tried to be sympathetic and just said that he'd call when he got to see my blood levels. I guess that's the best I could hope for.

As I drove back to the office, I started thinking about this process and what we've been through to do it. I remember saying that I didn't know how people did this over and over and how I didn't think I could do it. I was wrong. I know why they do it. I know it because when I finally came to the realization that it's over for us this cycle, I knew that I would jump back in the game as soon as I could. I said I wouldn't, but the truth is that I can't give up. I can't stop here. I know why people do it again and again. It's because they have no choice.

We are driven by a single, and common desire. To have a baby. A baby to bring home, to love and to carry our genetic material into the future.

Dammit, I wish it wasn't so hard for some of us to get it done.


  • At 1:53 PM , Blogger Jill said...

    Oh Michelle, this is just horrible for you ((hugs)). Fuck. I am gutted that it happened like this. Not even just that it didn't work, but that it did and you lost out again. It just isn't fair. I really, really hate this for you:(

  • At 3:27 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    wait, i'm confused. is it over? i thought you still got a positive hpt and were still waiting on beta levels? i bled mightily with both pregnancies that made it far past this point.

    i'm still hoping for you.


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