Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Brainless Idiots

Gracie and I were out running errands today and decided to pop into Arby*s for lunch before going home. I just love that Chicken Salad sandwich with the apples and grapes. MMMM....


We sit down and nearby are couple of girls (maybe 20) talking. You know how where ever you are there is always one person's voice which can be heard above all the noise. Well, this was her. She was going on and on about pregnancy and all the hassles thereof with her friend listening attentively. I didn't care for the bitching, but hey, it ain't no picnic, I get that, so I thought, well, bitch away.

That is until she started talking about a nasty fight she had with her mother. Don't know how it started but ultimately they were talking about Mother's Day, I think. Anyway, I guess the girl's mom asked what she wanted for Mother's Day and the girl got all pissed saying she's not a Mother until the baby is born. She went on to say that they fought because the girl said that the baby isn't a "real person" until it's born. Well, I guess that's when mom lost it.

Coincidentally, that's when I lost it too.

I mean, first, I absolutely DO NOT understand how anyone could believe that. A pregnant woman in particular. I mean, I realize that I may be a little sensitive, but how could anyone think that way? Not a "real person"? Seriously?

Once the initial shock wore off I started thinking about all of the people I know for whom hearing that conversation would have been heartbreakingly painful. How many people I know who would have burst into tears and fled the building. And then, I was (am) just angry. Just pissed that anyone could be so brainless and stupid. How could anyone say that? Did she really believe it?

I just can't wrap my head around it. Still. I am having a hard time thinking about anything else. I just don't understand.

I didn't say anything to her. I wanted to. There was a time in my life that I would have. But, I sat across from my sweet little girl who was happily eating her chicken and decided that today was not the day. Not with her to see my anger and my hurt; she's certainly seen that enough. So, I quit listening and hoped that they would leave. I felt sorry for the baby that girl carried. Sorry for him/her that it's mother didn't think s/he was real.

They did leave. The dining room was quiet again. My head, however, continues to try and understand. It's loud in my head sometimes.


  • At 10:21 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    There was a time when I was younger, when I knew it all, that I would have said the same thing as that young woman. That was the naivete of youth. But once I became pregnant I knew. That's it. I just knew. I suspect that that girl knows too, but is clinging to her youthful naivete out of some need to deny what is happening to her life. I pray that she figures it out. And I pray that she never has to know what it's like from this side of the fence.

  • At 11:59 AM , Blogger Rachel said...

    What an insensitive girl, her views may change some day. I wish she could have seen my baby, only 10 weeks along. He/she was every bit a baby. Maybe that would help her believe that her child is a real baby.

  • At 12:46 PM , Blogger Kathy McC said...

    Ditto to what Catherine said. There's no way you can feel your baby move inside of you and see their image on the screen and deny that they are real. I just don't believe that it's possible.

  • At 4:30 PM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    Well, I don't know. I struggle with this question all the time. Since I'm pro-choice, and that viewpoint definitely hasn't changed, how can I condone abortion if I think a fetus is a "real person?" For that matter, what is a "real person?"

    in Judaism, you aren't supposed to mourn for a baby who has lived less than 30 days. I don't agree with this. I think it's damaging. But that's a major religion that doesn't recognize infant loss as being "real."

    From what you're describing, it sounds like that girl was just shooting her mouth off and being stupid. She was pregnant? I don't think she would feel that way if she lost her baby.

    But if you do see a fetus as a "real person" are you pro-choice? If so, how do you rationalize that? For me, I think it just comes down to appearance--when the baby looks like a baby--and necessity over morality.

  • At 4:47 PM , Blogger MB said...

    I would consider myself pro-choice, but not because I believe a baby is a baby at any particular time. I believe in a woman's right to choose. I would not have an abortion. There is no time in my life when I would have considered one, and I had a scare at about 20. I am pro-choice because not matter what I would have chosen, I would not tell another woman what she should choose. I do not think it's right for a woman to have abortion after abortion because she can't seem to get the concept of birth control. But, she is the one who has to live with those choices, not me. It's about more than abortion to me.

    She was pregnant, and I agree, she was showing off and being stupid. I just don't understand who she was trying to impress and why she thought that would impress anyone.

    The whole thing still boggles my mind.

  • At 7:41 AM , Blogger Amy said...

    Personally I was wondering if this young woman may have had a previous abortion and was now somehow justifying it. Or the pregnancy wasn't planned so she is denying it. Regardless her comments were insensitive and hurtful. I am sorry you had to hear her ignorance.

  • At 8:50 AM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    Yeah. I do find it really weird that she was pregnant and saying that. That's very odd.

    I'm sorry you had to hear it!

  • At 4:11 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I agree with what most have said, she is young and possibly in denial. Oh, how things change when you are older!
    I want to commend you for not going over to her and telling her what you thought. Just reading this post made me want to do just that.

  • At 5:18 PM , Blogger niobe said...

    What Vixanne Wigg said.

    Several people told me that my baby wasn't a "real person" even though she was born and lived for a few hours. Which upset me, but which was the way they viewed the world and nothing I said would have made any difference.

    I bet there's more to the story then we know. I'm sure there's some reason that the girl was so insistent on this idea of the baby not being a person. Maybe she's afraid of losing the baby, and this is her way of dealing with it.

    I'm sorry that you had to hear it.


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