Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, July 30, 2007


30 weeks. How did I get here? So fast and yet so damn slow. Weird. Oh, and it scares the living shit out of me.

We saw Audrey on u/s at 33 weeks. 3 days later she was gone. Just like that. Fine, then not fine anymore. So at 30 weeks, I'm panicking. Natalie strays from her usual routine and I panic. She doesn't give me a good kick when I eat something sweet, I panic. I am controlled enough to not call the doctor every time, but how long can that last?

I start weekly u/s and NST's this week. That will probably be enough to get me through that one day a week...maybe. I am anxious for the next 6 weeks (!) to pass quickly. I need this to go fast. My sanity needs this to go fast.

And yet, I am so not ready. Her room is not remotely ready. We did get the furniture put together and vaguely in the right places. I cleaned out the closet in her room. We bought a car seat and swing. But they are in the garage in their boxes right where we left them when we got home. I only bought them when I did because we had coupons that were going to expire. God forbid I should not use a coupon.

I have a drawer full of receipts. You know, in case she dies I can take stuff back. I didn't return anything of Audrey's...I still have it all. But, this time I am much more organized about where everything is and if it's been opened. You know, just in case.

I feel like such an idiot for letting myself think this might happen, and yet I know I will feel like and idiot if it doesn't and I feel as emotionally unprepared as I did with Audrey.

This is such a shit deal. It's shit that we get to go through what should be one of the most wonderful and exciting times in our lives afraid. Afraid that every time you see an u/s that there will be no heartbeat. Afraid to go to sleep because she might not be there in the morning. So much fear. So much fear mixed with so much love is such a confusing emotion. It makes no sense and is so hard to control or understand.


  • At 10:14 AM , Blogger pipsylou said...

    You know I didn't have a stillbirth, but my pregnancy with Asher was EXACTLY this way. I was terrified and oh-so-anxious. I am praying the time passes quickly and soon you will be holding little Nat in your arms. :)

    I laughed out loud when you wrote that I was a mess. :) My husband expresses that sentiment too. :)

  • At 10:15 AM , Blogger pipsylou said...

    The WORST was my mother in law bringing clothes for him the night before he was born, expecting ME to wash it all. I left all the tags on but told her I had washed everything. When I told her later about my fears she thought I was crazy. Ah, ignorance is bliss.

  • At 11:53 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    That you bought a car seat and swing is enough for now. They'll come out of the boxes when they need to. :o)

    Much love and strength to you my friend. {{{hugs}}}

  • At 12:09 PM , Blogger Heather said...

    Babies don't really need that much in the beginning. Our pioneer ancestors didn't even have baby swings. So don't worry about not being prepared.

    Take lots of good care of you and praying for you to have a very uneventful next few weeks.

  • At 5:39 PM , Blogger niobe said...

    After your experience with Audrey, it makes perfect sense that you would feel this way. It does suck, though.

  • At 8:07 PM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    I'm rooting for you. I know it sucks royally, but not much longer. You can do it. I'm going to be one of those awful people who says they have a good feeling that everything is going to be okay. (Try not to punch me.)

  • At 4:49 AM , Blogger Mad Mommy said...

    I feel you. The closer to Milo's birth I got, the more terrifying it got. I will say, on his first birthday, that it's gotten a little better. But only a little. We still talk about what we will do if something happens to him. It sucks.

  • At 11:51 AM , Blogger Kath said...

    Dear Michelle, many thanks for your comment on my blog! I'm so glad I got to discover yours. As for your feelings of fear, they are so understandable. After going through something so traumatic, it must be impossible to shut off that fear, much less take a happy ending for granted.

    I know no one take away your fear, but I just wanted to reassure you that your being monitored so closely -- and above all, treated for your clotting problems -- makes a huge difference.

    I wish you good, healthy, speedy, reassuring weeks until little Natalie gets here and puts all your fears to rest. I'll be following your story and cheering you on.

  • At 7:35 AM , Blogger Monica said...

    Girl, I could have written this post myself. I'm also 30 weeks into my SPAL (lost Jimmy at 40w3d). I'm the same way. I have lots of clothes with the tags still on them. This one is also a boy so he'll wear a lot of Jimmy's clothes although I'm going to save a few of Jimmy's special outfits and put those in memory boxes. I start my weekly NST and BPP in two weeks. I'm also being induced early. Despite all of this, I won't be able to relax until I bring that baby into my house. I'll be following your blog in the weeks to come. Hang in there!


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