3-Oh

30 weeks. How did I get here? So fast and yet so damn slow. Weird. Oh, and it scares the living shit out of me.

We saw Audrey on u/s at 33 weeks. 3 days later she was gone. Just like that. Fine, then not fine anymore. So at 30 weeks, I'm panicking. Natalie strays from her usual routine and I panic. She doesn't give me a good kick when I eat something sweet, I panic. I am controlled enough to not call the doctor every time, but how long can that last?

I start weekly u/s and NST's this week. That will probably be enough to get me through that one day a week...maybe. I am anxious for the next 6 weeks (!) to pass quickly. I need this to go fast. My sanity needs this to go fast.

And yet, I am so not ready. Her room is not remotely ready. We did get the furniture put together and vaguely in the right places. I cleaned out the closet in her room. We bought a car seat and swing. But they are in the garage in their boxes right where we left them when we got home. I only bought them when I did because we had coupons that were going to expire. God forbid I should not use a coupon.

I have a drawer full of receipts. You know, in case she dies I can take stuff back. I didn't return anything of Audrey's...I still have it all. But, this time I am much more organized about where everything is and if it's been opened. You know, just in case.

I feel like such an idiot for letting myself think this might happen, and yet I know I will feel like and idiot if it doesn't and I feel as emotionally unprepared as I did with Audrey.

This is such a shit deal. It's shit that we get to go through what should be one of the most wonderful and exciting times in our lives afraid. Afraid that every time you see an u/s that there will be no heartbeat. Afraid to go to sleep because she might not be there in the morning. So much fear. So much fear mixed with so much love is such a confusing emotion. It makes no sense and is so hard to control or understand.