Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I told the doctor yesterday that I just wish this part of my life was over. That we could be done with the baby making part and move on the the baby raising part. I don't feel any different today.

Jim just took Gracie to B's house for the afternoon so I can get some work done and go to that icky ultrasound. Part of me wonders why I'm even bothering. If things come back funny and he says we have to do IVF or surgery to correct something, I'm not sure I'll do it. I think I'd probably just decide to be happy with Gracie and live with the fact that she won't get to have the experience of a living sibling. That thought brings tears to my eyes now, but I just don't think I have the nergy to go though all that. I really do hope that all of these tests come back normal and I just get to pop some hormone pills to straighten things out.

Letting Gracie go today was hard. She was crying, which she normally doesn't do. I just feel so drained. I feel like I've been string since September and I'm just sick of it. I don't want to hear how strong I am or how we'll get through it. I don't want to hear myself say that things are okay when someone asks when they really aren't. I want to walk out in my front yard and scream "I AM NOT FINE!!" at the top of my lungs. I'm not going to, but for some reason it does sound very attractive.

And now our insurance rates are going to go up significantly. I just know it. I hate that now the insurance company has all the cards. We've been with them for years and haven't had any problems. Neither Jim nor I have had a ticket since God knows when. Now, I have a ticket and two accidents in a year (I got into a little fender bender right after Audrey that we tried to just pay for. The adjuster was supposed to call us before he cut a check, but he didn't so taht one went on our record too). I told Jim last night to take my name off of the expensive car. I never drive it anyway. We're about to get rid of the Ford, so maybe we could just live with 2 cars for a bit and not the three. Who knows. Jim probably won't go for any of that.

He's been so good through this. I think he's a little bewildered by the whole fertility thing (as am I) and is just rolling with it. I really thought he would lose it over the accident, but he was his true, kind self and was totally sweet. I'm the one who's still pissed about it.

Why is nothing easy right now? Am I paying for the easy parts that I had in my life before??

2 Comments:

  • At 8:46 AM , Anonymous Sharon said...

    Hey Michelle, I'm a journaler on the labor of love site. I just want you to know that I think of you and wish there were something I could do for you. I don't think anyone can really understand exactly what you are going through. You will be pregnant again, but so far the road has been very difficult. Stay strong. If there's one thing I've learned about you from reading your journal is that you don't take any crap and you are tough as nails girl!! Chin UP!! Love and big hugs, Sharon (Labor of love site-Stay at Home Moms)

     
  • At 10:46 AM , Anonymous Amber (purpledruid) said...

    Michelle, I know you're hurting. Can I climb in your bucket with you? There are no words to take away your pain, or make it all better. Just know that I've been following your journey since before Audrey was born, and although I haven't posted any comments, it's not for lack of empathy, sympathy or well wishes. I just didn't know what to say to help. I've lost a child also, not in the same circumstances, and I know my pain is not the same as yours, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I'll climb in your bucket any time. Amber

     

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