Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I write this post knowing the friend I'm talking about reads on occasion. So, In advance of this entry, I say: Amy, I love you, I'm happy, I am, I'm sad too. And, I'm sorry.

My friend's brother is having twins. I'm happy for them. They worked hard for it and have had their own struggle with infertility.


I hate it. I hate that I still remember Nat's twin. The twins we should have had. The trials and drama, the laughs and craziness of twins. I thought it was my due. I thought it was the universe making up for our losses. Turns out it was the Universe dealing us one more blow. One last one for old time's sake.

Mostly, I'm happy with our family. I'm grateful for what we have because I know that even with our struggles, it could have been worse. We could have no Nat. We could have no Grace. We're lucky. I know.


I can't see twins without feeling like we're missing someone. Like there's yet another someone who isn't here and should be. It makes me sad. And mad.

I'm happy for B and his wife. I am. I swear. I'm jealous. I'm still angry. I wish I could hear about twins coming and just be happy for the family. I wish I could just let it be.

I can't. There are too many buts.

It never really goes away. No matter how much time passes. No matter how much healing you think you've done. It just stays. Sometimes it's quiet and only whispers. Sometimes the whispers become screams.



  • At 2:06 PM , Blogger Kriss said...

    Just thought you could use(((huge hugs))). -kriss

  • At 2:13 PM , Blogger Kathy McC said...

    (((hugs))) It doesn't go away. And it sucks.

    P.S. When are we going to meet up for shopping again? I'd love to meet Nat.

  • At 6:03 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    No, it never really goes away.


  • At 8:31 PM , Blogger Alli said...

    It doesn't go away - how could it? Hope it turns to a whisper again soon. (hugs)

  • At 3:42 AM , Blogger Heather said...

    It doesn't go away. What I find odd these days is that both Phoebe and I bring one extra napkin to the table when we set it lately. Am I reading too much into it, or do we both think that there's someone missing from our family at the dinner table?

  • At 11:42 AM , Blogger Pipsylou said...

    3 years later and I still get jealous when I hear of people effortlessly having twins. I wonder who Lucy's twin was. You are not alone. And it helped me today to read that I am not alone.

  • At 10:11 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I also went through infertility and after having m/c etc, I count myself lucky to have the two kids I have. Having said that, though, I feel the same way you do about twins. My youngest had a twin. I went through IVF and also thought it was my due. I was scared, but excited too. Then I lost that baby at the end of the first trimester, and I still think, 'What if...' My SIL had twins last September. IDENTICAL TWINS to boot! AND, she was NOT happy about it. Now she sends us the twins' pictures, and I have to buy presents for the twins...and think how unfair life is. Know that you are not alone, and no, it will never be fair! (I also liked your analogy at the end. How true, how true!)

  • At 9:19 AM , Blogger niobe said...

    Life sometimes (always?) seems monstrously unfair.

  • At 1:26 PM , Blogger Three P's in a Pod said...

    Awww are sucks and you do want to be happy for them but it still hurts.

  • At 5:26 PM , Blogger Tricia said...

    I might have to steal this..."Sometimes it's quiet and only whispers. Sometimes the whispers become screams"

    It just sums so much up!

  • At 12:08 AM , Blogger Monica C. said...

    It's ok to be jealous of others who seem to have everything so easily. I will never get over the unfairness of it all. ((hugs))


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