Jealousy

I write this post knowing the friend I'm talking about reads on occasion. So, In advance of this entry, I say: Amy, I love you, I'm happy, I am, I'm sad too. And, I'm sorry.

My friend's brother is having twins. I'm happy for them. They worked hard for it and have had their own struggle with infertility.

But.

I hate it. I hate that I still remember Nat's twin. The twins we should have had. The trials and drama, the laughs and craziness of twins. I thought it was my due. I thought it was the universe making up for our losses. Turns out it was the Universe dealing us one more blow. One last one for old time's sake.

Mostly, I'm happy with our family. I'm grateful for what we have because I know that even with our struggles, it could have been worse. We could have no Nat. We could have no Grace. We're lucky. I know.

But.

I can't see twins without feeling like we're missing someone. Like there's yet another someone who isn't here and should be. It makes me sad. And mad.

I'm happy for B and his wife. I am. I swear. I'm jealous. I'm still angry. I wish I could hear about twins coming and just be happy for the family. I wish I could just let it be.

I can't. There are too many buts.

It never really goes away. No matter how much time passes. No matter how much healing you think you've done. It just stays. Sometimes it's quiet and only whispers. Sometimes the whispers become screams.

Sigh.