Happy Birthday

Hi Sweetie-

It's your fifth birthday! I can't believe it's been that long since I held you. I think of all the things you'd be doing this year and my mind boggles. It hardly seems possible. We're going to put your flowers out tonight. We're going to the place where your friends Madison and Brody are. I wonder if you've met them. I don't know if the Universe works that way or not. I haven't really figured all of that out yet.

Your sisters and I are making your cupcakes too! We're making piggies! I'll try to take pictures. I'm not very good about all that. I hope you get to enjoy them vicariously!

I bet you already knew that you have a new sister coming. I suppose you may have known before we did. She has been a real surprise. I have to confess that I'm scared about it. I don't know how I'll manage with three girls to take care of. I guess it's like when I was worried about you coming so close to your sister. I wish now that I could have had the chance to figure all that out. Life is funny sometimes.

I miss you baby. I wish you were here. I think of you all the time. You're in my heart and always on my mind.

Love You,
Mommy

The Other Side

I mentioned before (I think) that a friend down the street lost a baby girl in January. They have had many miscarriages and they keep hoping for a baby to bring home. She and I discovered our pregnancies at the same time. We have both been cautiously optimistic.

Yesterday she was admitted to the local hospital dialated to 2-3. She had been bleeding and her amniotic sac was bulging. An ultrasound yesterday revealed this baby to be a boy. Last night they thought they had it under control, but this morning she is bleeding heavily and contracting. Things are very grim.

I don't know what to do. As I've thought about being the pregnant one left to face the friend who is likely to lose her baby, I don't know what to do. I wonder what I can do to help. I kept their older daughter last night so that her husband could be at the hospital with her. I have told them to tell me what I can do going forward.

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking for them. I feel like I am a horrible reminder of what is not going right for them. You would think that I could draw on my own experience and know what to do. I do not.

When we discovered we were pregnant and doing this together, I could only think how horrible it would be for one of us to have it end badly. We did not plan this baby and I have often thought what the hell am I doing and how am I going to manage my life now. And yet, here is my friend, losing a baby that they have so wanted. Already having had the horrible experiences that some of us know all to well, and I am at a total loss.

I want to hide. I just don't know what to do. I am scared.

Edited to add:

She has started bleeding and contracting heavily. Her amniotic sac has broken. An epidural is on its way. It's over. She's 19 weeks, 3 days. Another teeny casket. I hate this.